Suicide Awareness - The Third of a 7-Part Series

"As the depression lifts, they may suddenly view previously acceptable questions or conversations as inappropriate and may be embarrassed by things they have confided to others. Try to avoid overstepping, and to allow the person a normal amount of privacy."

This is the third of a seven-part series. If you haven't already, you can find the first and second parts here.

Suicide Awareness: Practical Tips

The approaches below have actually helped various people during a suicidal crisis.

Ensuring Safety

Ask the suicidal person if they have planned or thought about how they would commit suicide, and determine whether they have the means (a weapon, pills, etc.) to follow through. If so, make every effort to take them to the emergency room. If that is not possible, remove the means from where the suicidal person is living and don’t leave them alone. Note: Extremely lethal means such as guns ***must*** be removed from the home. Locking them up is not enough.

Identifying Patterns

After his release from the hospital Tom noticed that although he was no longer suicidal he often felt extremely anxious and depressed late in the afternoon. At first he tried to nap during this time, but insomnia made that impossible. So instead, he wound up stuck in his darkest thoughts. It helped him to identify these patterns so he could plan to counteract them.

Identifying Patterns

Tom decided to go for a jog instead of lying down late in the afternoon, and this helped to mediate his anxiety. He also started going to yoga and found that he enjoyed it. For Tom, exercise alleviated anxiety; he discovered that his actions could influence his feelings.

Cognitive Behavioral Training

Carol’s therapist gave her some exercises to use at difficult moments:

• To fight feelings of unreality or meaninglessness, engage with your surroundings through your senses—touch, smell, listen to, taste, and look at what’s around you.
• Avoid black and white thinking and worst-case scenarios, which can feed anxiety. Some techniques to correct this type of distorted thinking include doing a cost/benefit analysis about the belief, looking for evidence of its accuracy, testing the theory, asking what you would say to a loved one who thinks that way, and rephrasing the belief in more neutral language. (These and other techniques are described in When Panic Attacks, by David Burns.)

Establishing Routines

Laura was fortunate to be admitted to a good psych ward, which provided structured activities as well as appropriate medication. But once she was released from the hospital, unstructured time made her anxious and all too aware of her disturbing thoughts. Weekend breaks from her outpatient program were especially difficult. With the help of friends and family members Laura created weekend routines involving exercising, socializing, and playing music.

Keeping Things Simple

It’s not useful to discuss complicated emotional issues during an existential crisis. Laura, who is an ex-Mormon, avoided challenging conversations about religion. Likewise, her love life had to be put on hold. She simply found emotional intimacy too stressful at that time. Simpler and less demanding relationships were easier to navigate.

Respect

During a mental illness a person may lose some inhibitions. As the depression lifts, they may suddenly view previously acceptable questions or conversations as inappropriate and may be embarrassed by things they have confided to others. Try to avoid overstepping, and to allow the person a normal amount of privacy. This will help as they begin to reclaim their ordinary life. In general, resist the impulse to advise about life decisions. Be respectful about the information that you share with friends. If you need to vent, choose a safe listener such as a therapist. Except in the most extreme circumstances, get the suicidal person’s permission before taking them to an emergency room or admitting them to a hospital.

Self Care

A suicidal person is in sheer, free-falling crisis. Unfortunately, so are that person’s loved ones. It’s terrifying to think of someone you love committing suicide. It’s horrifying to see them in that much pain. Much of the time, there is little friends and family can do but try to provide protection and emotional support as they wait for medication and therapy to take effect—yet that support is crucial. To help someone who wants to die is to sacrifice one’s own needs, time, energy, and emotional comfort in deference to theirs. The prolonged uncertainty can cause severe anxiety. Don’t complain to the suicidal person or ask them to comfort you. Deal with your own feelings constructively: exercise, keep a journal, work on a project, go outside, spend time with friends. And don’t be afraid to set some limits on what you’re able to do.

Tapir Signal is looking for volunteers in a variety of areas including housing, employment, and other practical concerns as well as LGBT issues and suicide awareness. Suicide awareness volunteers must be 21 or older. They should be mental health practitioners and/or have personal or close family experience with suicide.

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If you are in need of help, you can reach us here.

If you are feeling suicidal, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-784-2433.

If you are LGBT+ and need to talk, please contact the LGBT National Hotline at 1-888-843-4564 or find them online here.

Know you are safe and among friends and we will do whatever we can to help.

Lastly, if you would like to be involved or volunteer, you can reach out to us here.

Cats, Unicorns, and German Chocolate

"He found out I liked cats, so he started sending me kitty pictures. I haven’t told him how many times those pictures and check-ins once or twice a week saved me." --Alex

Depression doesn’t care that you just graduated from college and landed your dream job, or that you escaped a controlling religion and are finally free. It doesn’t give a damn that you have people and pets you love and care about. It makes you feel empty, day after day. Depression isn’t sadness. It makes you unable to feel anything at all, really.

Alex has been dealing with it for most of her life.

“I call it ‘going numb’ – it’s like you are encased in a shell that is keeping those emotions out. You learn to fake them and paint pretty pictures on the outside of that shell, but the inside is the same disturbing silence,” she said.

Alex is 22 years old and holds a Bachelor’s degree from BYU. She’s an assistant genealogist working for on online genealogy service, her dream job. She owns an adorable cat and likes reading, writing, and music.

Three months ago, she posted to r/exmormon asking for help. Her depression was becoming overwhelming and she was contemplating suicide.

Finding the truth

Alex’s mother converted to the LDS church when Alex was five years old. She was baptized at age eight and hit all of her Mormon milestones, like serving in leadership roles in Young Women’s and attending BYU. During her senior year of college, though, Alex began to question her faith. She was working on the Nauvoo Polygamist Project at the time, an undertaking that researched Mormonism’s early pioneers – including the men and women involved in polygamous or polyandrous marriages. Alex had known about the LDS history of polygamy, but the polyandry was new and troubling. On top of that, she was horrified by the prejudice, racism, sexism, and homophobia she found at BYU.

Until then, Alex had avoided the exmormon subreddit, fearing it was “anti-Mormon.” But with all of her questions, she waded into the threads, looking for hard facts and truth about her religion. She found both, and decided to resign her membership after she graduated.

Reaching out

Faking a good Mormon life while she was still at BYU only strengthened Alex’s depression. After she resigned, the cold silence of her Mormon friends and neighbors, who were suddenly “too busy” to talk to her, didn’t help. Though she was free, the damage had been done, and she spiraled into planning her suicide. After she posted about it on the exmormon subreddit, volunteers sent up a Tapir Signal asking people to reach out to Alex.

“I was guided through what to do – what to expect. I was told that everything would be okay and to rely on the community. So I did, tentatively at first,” Alex said. “People reached out to me: Hiking1950, hasbrochem, a girl called _Emma_stoned_, and T_the_Initial. T was a big help for me. He found out I liked cats, so he started sending me kitty pictures. I haven’t told him how many times those pictures and check-ins once or twice a week saved me.”

He and his wife even took Alex out for dinner one night when she was struggling, reminding her that life is worth living.

Everything’s not magically better and her depression hasn’t disappeared, but Alex is finding good days mixed in with the bad ones. She was initially embarrassed that a Tapir Signal had been sent up just for her, but the more she’s worked with Signal volunteers, the more she’s come to appreciate them, she said.

“The volunteers showed me a love I hadn’t felt in a long time, even within the church: the love of non-judgmental support.”

She knows how difficult finding that can be, especially at BYU. If you’re enrolled and struggling, she said, “Leave if you can, but if you must stay, find an outlet, a healthy one. And remember that you aren’t alone.”

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If you are in need of help, you can reach us here.

If you are feeling suicidal, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-784-2433.

If you are LGBT+ and need to talk, please contact the LGBT National Hotline at 1-888-843-4564 or find them online here.

Know you are safe and among friends and we will do whatever we can to help.

Lastly, if you would like to be involved or volunteer, you can reach out to us here.

Suicide Awareness - The Second of a 7-Part Series

"Acceptance doesn’t suggest that you endorse or encourage suicide as a solution. Rather, unconditional acceptance communicates that you hear and understand the other person’s feelings at this moment."

This is the second post of a seven-part series. If you haven't already, you can find the first part here.

Helping a Suicidal Person

My goal for this post is to begin a list of the things that have actually helped various people during a suicidal crisis.

Acceptance

Beyond reflective listening and accounting for basic safety, how can one navigate a relationship with a suicidal person and offer help without doing damage? It may seem counter-intuitive, but much of this amounts to acceptance. There are many ways to express unconditional acceptance of a suicidal person.

First, accept the suicidal person as they are now. What does that mean?

• Accept rather than debate their desire to die.
• Accept rather than debate the fact that death actually would eliminate pain.

Acceptance doesn’t suggest that you endorse or encourage suicide as a solution. Rather, unconditional acceptance communicates that you hear and understand the other person’s feelings at this moment.

Certain normal but unconstructive reactions can convey the opposite of acceptance:

• Interrupting can break a depressed person’s train of thought when they are already having trouble focusing—and it may seem to dismiss their feelings.
• Contradicting a suicidal person doesn’t help, even when they express self-destructive feelings. Avoid these reactions:
• “Suicide is not an option!”
• “But you’ve always been so happy!
• “I just know you won’t do that.”

Such remarks can seem to minimize disturbing feelings. Instead, reflect such feelings back:

• Don’t dismiss expressions of emotion. Empathizing can be hard, because most of us haven’t experienced truly suicidal feelings. The extremes of despair are unfamiliar and may even seem exaggerated.
• Avoid “tough love.” In this situation, it can be dangerous.
• Don’t assume that someone who expresses suicidal feelings is just trying to get attention.
• No matter how shocking or dramatic or inaccurate such expressions are, don’t judge or overreact. Try not to provoke guilt and shame, which may be just beneath the surface. Guilt-tripping a suicidal person could make them feel even worse about their life.
• Instead, let the person say terrible things, if necessary. By telling you the worst of what they feel, they are reaching out for help.

Finally, although it can be very difficult, tell the truth. Depression narrows and distorts a person’s view of life. Carol, who had some psychotic symptoms, asked family members over and over, “Are you real?” “Is this situation real?” “Am I crazy? Be honest.” She was directly asking for help, and she was willing to trust others’ perceptions when she wasn’t sure. In that situation, a reality check was helpful. While avoiding words like “crazy, answer these and other questions simply, clearly, and honestly rather than “humoring” the depressed person by saying what you think they want to hear. Telling the truth builds trust and clarity, two things that suicidal people desperately need.

The love of our neighbor in all its fullness simply means being able to say to him: “What are you going through?” --Simone Weil

Tapir Signal is looking for volunteers in a variety of areas including housing, employment, and other practical concerns as well as LGBT issues and suicide awareness. Suicide awareness volunteers must be 21 or older. They should be mental health practitioners and/or have personal or close family experience with suicide.

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If you are in need of help, you can reach us here.

If you are feeling suicidal, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-784-2433.

If you are LGBT+ and need to talk, please contact the LGBT National Hotline at 1-888-843-4564 or find them online here.

Know you are safe and among friends and we will do whatever we can to help.

Lastly, if you would like to be involved or volunteer, you can reach out to us here.

Suicide Awareness - The First of a 7-Part Series

"Don't preach or attempt to educate. The reality of suicidal feelings will dwarf and distract from your efforts."

What Do You Say to Someone Who Wants to Die?

Some time ago a relative of mine—I’ll call her Laura—went through an existential crisis after taking a hallucinogen. Although Laura did not “go crazy,” she began to believe that everything and everyone around her was unreal and therefore meaningless. She thought about this constantly for weeks and couldn’t get it out of her mind. It was such an agonizing thought that it made her—an ordinarily happy, upbeat, and energetic person—suicidal. She mostly stopped eating and sleeping and lost almost twenty pounds in the space of a few weeks. She was in a psych ward for several days and followed that with an outpatient program. Then, slowly, she recovered.

In this first of several suicide awareness posts, I’ll try to offer a very basic response to the question in the title. r/TapirSignal and /r/SparlockSignal provide a comprehensive guide to understanding suicide in their sidebars, and /r/suicidewatch also has many resources. For a basic and inexpensive one-hour tutorial on how to talk to a suicidal person, you can also see www.qprinstitute.com/individual-training. My posts won’t attempt to replicate those efforts but rather will be a hit-and-miss personal reflection about what helped and did not help my relative Laura and my friends Carol and Tom, all of who experienced suicidal crises. I’ll share in this entry some aspects of communication and support that have been helpful to us. By far the best guide for us and probably for anyone else, however, is what we can learn from listening to and accepting the suicidal person and responding to what they tell us about their own experience.

Listening vs Fixing

When a loved one’s life is at stake, we urgently want to solve the problem. But helping a suicidal person isn’t a quick fix; it demands more of a “listen, don’t fix” approach. Since people experience depression differently, the best guide for those who want to help is the suicidal person him or herself.

Do...

• Listen and empathize. Simply acknowledging difficulty affirms a suicidal person’s experience, builds trust, and encourages them to open up further
• Ask directly whether the person has been thinking about suicide, and if so, whether they have a suicide plan. If the answer to either of these questions is yes, seek professional help immediately. Do not phrase the question as a negative (“You haven’t been considering suicide, have you?”) Instead, ask straightforwardly whether they have been thinking of suicide. For most suicidal people, it’s a relief to hear that question.
• Be available
• Check in at the times when someone is likely to be most distressed
• Express love

Don't...

• Preach or attempt to educate. The reality of suicidal feelings will dwarf and distract from your efforts
• Contradict what the person says. A suicidal person’s beliefs may be highly inaccurate; depression can distort a person’s perceptions until they become entirely subjective, and objective “reality checks” may seem to invalidate their experience. While a therapist may be able to help with cognitive behavioral therapy, most of us probably can’t reason a very depressed person out of their irrational thoughts, and we don’t have to. All we have to do is acknowledge and respect them.
• Put them down, accuse them of faking, or tell them to “snap out of it.”
• Offer advice, unless the suicidal person specifically asks for it.

"Understanding"

When you’re around a person who is suicidal you may want them to feel that you understand, that you’re not overreacting or being insensitive, that you “get it.” That’s only human, but it’s misguided. Your job is not to prove that you understand. Your job is to listen, to empathize, and to offer whatever kind of support the suicidal person can use. Even if that means backing off once they are out of danger.

People who are suicidal are experiencing feelings and perceptions that fortunately are unusual. Most of us can’t fully understand and will never be able to. Even if you’ve been suicidal yourself, to say that you understand may be perceived as denying the uniqueness of the other person’s experience. It’s much better to ask how the other person feels, or to express empathy (“That must be hard”) than to assume you understand. Simone Weil expressed this beautifully:

The love of our neighbor in all its fullness simply means being able to say to him: “What are you going through?”

Tapir Signal is looking for volunteers in a variety of areas including housing, employment, and other practical concerns as well as LGBT issues and suicide awareness. Suicide awareness volunteers must be 21 or older. They should be mental health practitioners and/or have personal or close family experience with suicide.

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If you are in need of help, you can reach us here.

If you are feeling suicidal, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-784-2433.

If you are LGBT+ and need to talk, please contact the LGBT National Hotline at 1-888-843-4564 or find them online here.

Know you are safe and among friends and we will do whatever we can to help.

Lastly, if you would like to be involved or volunteer, you can reach out to us here.

Tapirs Abound

We have to apologize this week because we don't have our regular blog post this week, but enjoy some photos of our favorite horses... Tapirs!

Next week we'll be back with our regularly scheduled program and find out if Sparlock will be saved by his loyal tapir or if they'll both meet their untimely demise! Until then, enjoy the horse pics.

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If you are in need of help, you can reach us here.

If you are feeling suicidal, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-784-2433.

If you are LGBT+ and need to talk, please contact the LGBT National Hotline at 1-888-843-4564 or find them online here.

Know you are safe and among friends and we will do whatever we can to help.

Lastly, if you would like to be involved or volunteer, you can reach out to us here.

T is For Timothy The Tapir Touting Troubadour

"I just love being a snowflake. We may not all be unique but I'll be damned if we're not fun!" --Timoteo

My name is Timothy but I go by T like the initial (/u/T_the_initial). I was born and raised in a rural Utah town and come from a long line of Mormons. My ancestors were among the first to be baptized. In fact, my great-great-great-great grandfather, Lyman R. Sherman, was responsible for burning down a printing press in Kirtland when dissenters sought to use the office in opposition to the church. Lyman loved the saints but was having trouble with his own discipleship in the church and wanted to know what his duty would be. The answer came through revelation given to Joseph Smith in 1835 and is recorded in section 108 of the Doctrine and Covenants.

According to Wilfred Woodruff, “Elder Sherman sung in the gift of tongues & proclaimed great & marvelous things while clothed upon by the power & spirit of God.” during the Kirtland Temple dedication (Dean C. Jessee, “The Kirtland Diary of Wilford Woodruff,” BYU Studies,vol. 12, no. 4 (1972), 382. The meeting was held on January 8, 1837.) Lyman was later called to be an apostle but died before he heard the news.

Delcena Didamia Johnson was my great-great-great-great grandmother and was married to Lyman. After Lyman died, Delcena was married to Joseph Smith as his 14th plural wife. She died shortly after arriving in Salt Lake City in 1854.

I am the first member of my immediate family to leave the Church since 1832. I received my resignation letter on March 23, 2015 although I had been mentally out since my mission (2005-2007 Missouri St. Louis Mission). The last 6 months of my mission I read Rough Stone Rolling by Richard Lyman Bushman and realized the so-called Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints was not true.

Due to family and other social pressures, I continued to pretend and eventually married in the temple. After almost 4 years we divorced and I decided I wasn’t going to pretend anymore. I joined /r/exmormon in 2012 but lurked for years. About 4 months ago my last TBM friend cut me off because I shared with him how I thought it was weird for my wife’s work to share a quote from Spencer W. Kimball in a meeting. He blew up and told me that my wife is overly sensitive and needs to grow some “tough skin.” After this occurred, I realized I needed to find some new friends who understood what I was going through, so I started to become more active on /r/exmormon.

I have developed many friendships on /r/exmormon but quickly noticed as I got more involved that there were an alarming number of posts of people needing help and reaching out. Around this same time, /u/Hiking1950 posted and asked for a public list of volunteers. I really liked the idea of having a list so we could combine all of our resources and quickly help people who are in need. Three months ago, I sent /u/Hiking1950 a PM (private/personal message; in case you're older than dirt but somehow managed to make it here anyway) about someone who was feeling suicidal and the rest is history. We started working together and I was added as a mod on /r/TapirSignal shortly after. In the past few months, I have been amazed at how the exmormon community has rallied together to help people in need.

TapirSignal has helped me to keep the parts of my religion that I valued the most. Being part of a community that serves other people in need is something I loved about being a Mormon. TapirSignal has given me that community and the opportunity to help people. I have made some amazing friendships in the Mod group as well as with volunteers and those that reach out for help. The exmormon world is so unique and varied.

I really enjoy coming up with creative solutions to problems. Each TapirSignal case is like an intricate puzzle. Since every case is different, there are so many individual pieces that need to come together before we can see the bigger picture. Only then can I understand how to best help someone who is suffering. I love to decipher everyone’s individual needs and circumstances in order to build a solution, piece by piece. As the TapirSignal network continues to expand, our group becomes better equipped to help the exreligious community. Everyone that volunteers brings something to the table, whether it’s a unique location or new perspective. It is a very challenging and rewarding thing to be a part of.

After 183 years of family loyalty to the Mormon Church I have broken that loyalty and am going to be loyal to another community, the exreligious community. Providing a place where people can find a support and community outside of close religious circles is what makes me proud to be a part of TapirSignal.

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If you are in need of help, you can reach us here.

If you are feeling suicidal, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-784-2433.

If you are LGBT+ and need to talk, please contact the LGBT National Hotline at 1-888-843-4564 or find them online here.

Know you are safe and among friends and we will do whatever we can to help.

Lastly, if you would like to be involved or volunteer, you can reach out to us here.

Ruminating Over a Roasted Tapir

“I may listen to Pop music but that doesn't mean I can't be a good person still.'" --Hiking1950

I get asked this question from time to time: “What led you to create the Tapir Signal?” Here is my story.

About four months ago, I came across a post on /r/exmormon by a 25-year-old woman stating that she was trying to leave the church. She lived in Utah and didn’t have any money or a job, was depressed, and needed help. So I decided to create a list of a few volunteers from /r/exmormon who would be willing to help out in such situations. I planned to present the list to FearlessFixxer after his MormonLeaks website debut. Out of nowhere, around twenty people volunteered to help out any way they could.

So I created a post on behalf of the young woman who had sought help on /r/exmormon. In it I tagged all the volunteers and asked if we could help her out. Within an hour, several people had reached out to the user and had given her food and money. It was amazing to see.

I then came up with the idea of forming an informal public volunteer list that we could use to tag people when others need help. I asked for volunteers and the list just exploded. Every time I posted about this list, more and more people volunteered to help out in any way they could. The list took a completely new direction. Instead of a few people I could send to FearlessFixxer to help run the Underground Handcart Company (UHC), I ended up with around sixty people from all over the place volunteering food, shelter, money, a phone to text in an emergency, emotional support, etc.

A young couple was looking for a temporary place to stay until they could find permanent housing. Their parents said refused them shelter because they weren’t married. So I sent out an “Exmormon Bat Signal” to the volunteers and within a couple of hours, we had a hotel owner in the same town as the couple who helped them out with the temporary housing. Once again, it was amazing to see such a quick and generous gesture from a random stranger.

Since we joke about tapirs a lot on /r/exmormon a couple of people had jokingly posted a tapir-like bat signal graphic. Both of them were very cool, so I changed the “Exmormon Bat Signal” to the “Official Tapir Signal.” We link to this graphic every time we post and ask for help.

Shortly after that, /u/hasbrochem reached out to me and offered to help out. He’s very good with computers and programming (Editors Note: he's mediocre at best), so he created a Reddit bot that messages all of the volunteers when we post a Tapir Signal. The bot lets them know of the situation and points them to the person that needs support. /u/t_the_initial also reached out to me personally around the same time and offered to help take on the task of contacting people needing help, following up with them, vetting people who could potentially help out, etc. /u/hasbrochem and /u/t_the_initial will share their stories in future posts.

I continue to be involved with the Tapir Signal crew because I have seen how many times it has helped people out in a short amount of time. I’ve personally been told that people who have reached out in response to the Tapir Signal have saved several people’s lives. We have found temporary housing for people (also see here and here). We have provided a few days’ food for someone who couldn’t afford it. We have helped find jobs for people. We have even helped someone move from state to state. All of these things were accomplished through our volunteer network. That is why I do it: to give back to the exMormon community and help out the only way I know how… anonymously, online!

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If you are in need of help, you can reach us here.

If you are feeling suicidal, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-784-2433.

If you are LGBT+ and need to talk, please contact the LGBT National Hotline at 1-888-843-4564 or find them online here.

Know you are safe and among friends and we will do whatever we can to help.

Lastly, if you would like to be involved or volunteer, you can reach out to us here.