We do more than just validate parking

"Oh God, are we going to have a bunch of stray missionaries camping in the guest bedroom?"--Random Dude

I’m u/Writergal1421, and I’m a little different than your average Tapir Signal volunteer. Round these parts, I’m what you’d call a “nevermo,” meaning I’ve never been a Mormon.

In fact, the closest I’ve ever been to the LDS church was dating a Mormon boy in high school. Religion didn’t actually factor in too much, but every now and again he’d try to read to me from Nephi and I’d tune him out and do my actual history homework. Another time I visited his ward building and saw a painting of Jesus hanging out with some Aztecs. He was all proud to be explaining his beliefs and I was staring at this painting thinking, ‘You know that’s bullshit, right?’ We dated for nine months and broke up right before his mission for reasons that had nothing to do with religion and everything to do with him being weird.

I was raised Presbyterian, also known as “Methodist-lite” and “Baptist-but-with-drinking.” For various reasons, my family stopped attending church when I was thirteen and I haven’t been a part of any religion since. I don’t remember how I stumbled on the Exmormon subreddit two years ago, but when I did, I was hooked. I love, love, love reading stories of people who triumph over self-important bishops or successfully bring a family member out of the church with them. I read through all the posts and silently cheer you all on.

I also read the posts about LDS history and think how glad I am that I never took my ex-boyfriend up on his offers to take me to church with him.

And then there are the posts where all I want to do is hug the OP. There are the posts that talk about the subtle, and not-so-subtle, sexism, racism, and homophobia in the church. The posts about an unwed mother who was pressured into giving away her child, or the posts where someone was horribly abused or sexually assaulted and the church either looked away, or worse, protected the abuser. The posts where a teenager committed suicide or a family shunned their gay son or daughter. Those posts break my heart. I don’t know what it’s like to leave the Mormon church, but I do remember the heartbreak of leaving a beloved church community. I know how it feels to be rejected and condescended to and pitied. I know the feeling of being furious about injustice, and being unable to do anything to fix a broken situation.

But if I can’t fix it, I can at least help a little. If you didn’t notice from my handle, writing is kind of my schtick, and wouldn’t you know it, the Tapir team was looking for a few good writers to help out with the blog. (“I’m going to help the exmormons!” I told my husband. “Oh God, are we going to have a bunch of stray missionaries camping in the guest bedroom?” he asked. No, honey. Relax.)

For the past few months, I’ve been talking to exmormons about what aid they need and how the Tapir Signal has helped them. I write up blog entries based on those interviews so that others can lend a hand if they’re able, or know they’re not alone if they’re struggling. I write so that the people I talk to have a voice.

I’ve been privileged to talk with some wonderful folks so far. Their stories are incredible and their resilience and determination astounds me. Talking with C about how excited they were to start college was so fun, and I loved talking with Alex about her job and her cat. Like so many others, they’ve been dealt a rough hand but they keep shining on. It was an honor to be a part of sharing their stories.

Too often it seems like the church wants its members to sit down and shut up.

Screw that. Stand up. Shout out. I’ll help tell your story.

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If you are in need of help, you can reach us here.

If you are feeling suicidal, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-784-2433.

If you are LGBT+ and need to talk, please contact the LGBT National Hotline at 1-888-843-4564 or find them online here.

Know you are safe and among friends and we will do whatever we can to help.

Lastly, if you would like to be involved or volunteer, you can reach out to us here.

Suicide Awareness - The Fourth of a 7-Part Series

"Don’t spend more than a few days looking for providers—or a few hours, if the person has a suicide plan or is extremely upset. Instead, with their permission, take the suicidal person immediately to an emergency room."

Continuing our posts on suicide awareness, this is the fourth of our series. The previous first, second, and third parts are well worth the read if you haven't already. Now, on to what you're here to see...

Professional Care, Part 1: Finding Psychological/Psychiatric Care

The first phase of an existential crisis can be especially hard because of the difficulty of finding proper medical care. Here are a few tips about this:

• Do get psychiatric help. This is very unlikely to be something you can resolve alone or with nonprofessional help. The suicidal person may need medication and/or hospitalization immediately, and certainly needs skilled advice.
• Do ask your insurance company for a list of in-plan providers, but be careful about allowing them to choose a therapist. (The insurance company may offer this if you don’t have a primary care physician.) They are likely to choose the cheapest possible alternative, which may be someone without comprehensive training.
• Sites such as Psychology Today's Find a Therapist, HelpPRO's Therapist Finder, and GoodTherapy.org's Find the Right Therapist allow you to search for care providers and to narrow your search by insurance company and location.
• At certain times of the year psychologists and psychiatrists tend to be booked up or on vacation. There are also some therapists who refuse to work with suicidal people. Don’t spend more than a few days looking for providers—or a few hours, if the person has a suicide plan or is extremely upset. Instead, with their permission, take the suicidal person immediately to an emergency room. This will ensure that they will be able to talk to a professional right away and will have access to referrals. If the person is in immediate danger of harming themselves, use the words “acutely suicidal” or “having active suicidal thoughts” when you check in.
• Be cautious about taking advice from friends or others who have not personally met the suicidal person. Don’t be overly perfectionistic about care providers, but do terminate relationships with therapists who are clearly not good matches. Many people may want to help, but unless they are professionals and have met and talked with the suicidal person, their advice is likely to be at best generic and at worst biased. It’s also necessary that the suicidal person trust the therapist, so while it’s not helpful to undermine the therapist, if attempts at resolving personality conflicts fail, take them seriously and find another therapist.
• Family members are the constant throughout a patient’s journey through the medical care system. Touching base with therapists and new caregivers at hospitals or outpatient programs allows parents or others to ensure that key information is accurately conveyed from one person to the next, and helps the family to stay informed. As you do so, keep in mind the patient’s right to privacy and be responsive if he or she needs you to step back.

Tapir Signal is looking for volunteers in a variety of areas including housing, employment, and other practical concerns as well as LGBT issues and suicide awareness. Suicide awareness volunteers must be 21 or older. They should be mental health practitioners and/or have personal or close family experience with suicide.

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If you are in need of help, you can reach us here.

If you are feeling suicidal, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-784-2433 (outside the US, these calls are free via Skype).

If you are LGBT+ and need to talk, please contact the LGBT National Hotline at 1-888-843-4564 or find them online here.

Know you are safe and among friends and we will do whatever we can to help.

Lastly, if you would like to be involved or volunteer, you can reach out to us here.

Why I am here, a volunteer's story

"I once fought a unicorn that was trying to steal my child's lunch. It was epic!"--Denise

Hi! My name is Denise, (you’ll more often see me as eowyn_), and I am a TapirSignal volunteer.

When I first heard of something called the TapirSignal, I had been out of the church less than a year. The trauma and anger were still pretty fresh. Not so fresh that I felt like I had nothing to give, though. Reading through r/exmormon, it was the young ones that hurt me the most. The LGBTQ+ teenagers and adults who wanted to give up. The straight teenagers who felt rejected. The kids and young adults who had been forced from their homes without a clue about how to adult. The young people whose families refused to be happy for their children. I couldn’t help talking to them, offering to be a listening mom for people whose actual mothers couldn’t hear them. One conversation with a woman who was moving in with her boyfriend stands out to me. Her family was furious, and so no one had asked the usual questions: How did you meet him, what do you love about him, does he make you happy, have you found an apartment yet, all that jazz. So I asked. It was wonderful to see the answers. Happiness bubbled out of them like champagne out of a freshly uncorked bottle. And there, at the end: Thank you for asking all the normal questions. And it hit me-- I could do that. I could be good at that.

That’s the awesome thing about the TapirSignal, you see. Not everyone has to do everything. We all have lives that happen offline, and outside the ex-whatever sphere. So we take what we’re suited for. Some of us work with people who have suffered significant trauma. Some of us work with people who are local to us. Some of us do the logistical work, or the tech work to try and catch as many people as possible without someone having to be watching all the time. I like to be the mom. And somehow, when you put us all together, it starts to work.

Whether or not Christ was real, I find the ideal of him compelling-- that kind of love, sacrifice, and compassion moves me. What happens every day behind the scenes at TapirSignal is one of the closest things to that ideal I have ever seen. We’re not Great People. We get impatient, and frustrated, and sometimes we’re at a loss for how to help someone (although that happens less often the more volunteers we get). This is work, and it’s often hard and heartbreaking. In spite of all that, we keep finding ways to make a real difference in people’s lives. We let people know they’re loved. We help find solutions. We mourn with those that mourn. We party with people who need to celebrate. We shine light into places that others darkened. Together, we destroy nightmares. And it’s pretty freaking awesome.

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If you are in need of help, you can reach us here.

If you are feeling suicidal, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-784-2433.

If you are LGBT+ and need to talk, please contact the LGBT National Hotline at 1-888-843-4564 or find them online here.

Know you are safe and among friends and we will do whatever we can to help.

Lastly, if you would like to be involved or volunteer, you can reach out to us here.