A Missionary's Journey Home

"Mission rules stated that he could only focus on those good parts in his weekly emails home. He wasn’t supposed to write about his doubts, his depression, or anything else negative."

Jason grew up in Utah and hit all of his typical Mormon milestones – born in the covenant, baptized at eight, priesthood at twelve, and a mission at eighteen.

That’s where things began to fall apart.

“I was out there for seven months,” Jason said. “I’d had depression before I went on my mission. It wasn’t too bad for the first couple of months, but around month five or six, it started getting worse. Even my mission president was like, ‘Maybe you need to go home.’

“Within a week of returning,” he added, “I was back to normal.”

Jason is one of the many Mormon missionaries who return home early from their assignments. The reasons range from mental health to misconduct to deciding to walk away.

In Jason’s case, the pressure and restrictions that come with being a missionary had reached unhealthy levels.

“[The Missionary Training Center] was not great for me. The message was, ‘Don’t think about what your life used to be. You’re not that person anymore,’” he said. “On my mission, I didn’t feel like a regular person. I was so isolated. I felt so cut off from the rest of the world. The pressure to follow rules is intense. It’s almost like you’re trapped.”

Which isn’t to say there weren’t good parts. Jason appreciates that his mission made him a better public speaker and more outgoing. He met interesting people who exposed him to more of the world, an experience he enjoyed and values.

Mission rules stated that he could only focus on those good parts in his weekly emails home. He wasn’t supposed to write about his doubts, his depression, or anything else negative.

When his mission president suggested returning home, “I was really nervous at first because I didn’t know how my family was going to react,” Jason said. “Personally, I was relieved because I didn’t want to go further with my mission.”

His immediate family was supportive and welcomed Jason home, but he can tell his extended family is disappointed in him – “It made me feel like a failure,” he said.

After returning home, Jason was finally able to explore the doubts about his faith that had been growing throughout his mission. He found r/exmormon and began reading. One post stuck out – a person had recently committed suicide and one user suggested having a bot to help keep track of people in need. Jason, who has experience in programming, set to work.

The Tapir Signal was working on just such a bot as well, and Jason joined up to combine their efforts. Currently, his bot monitors usernames in r/exmormon and cross-references posts in subreddits such as r/depression and r/suicidewatch to make sure that if someone is struggling, others can know and reach out. He’s working on a second bot that scans r/exmormon for keywords that could indicate a user is feeling suicidal or needs extra support.

But there’s no bot for missionaries struggling in the field, so Jason has some advice.

“Let someone know what’s going on and the way you’re feeling,” he said. “There’s a lot of pressure to be very positive, but break a rule and talk to your mission president. Missionaries should also let their parents, and not just the mission president, know if they're struggling with depression since not all mission president are as helpful as mine was.”

And if that doesn’t work – the Tapir Signal is here for you.

Editor's Note: Here is an official version of the rules and guidelines for missionaries (warning it's a PDF).

Tapir Signal is looking for volunteers in a variety of areas including housing, employment, and other practical concerns as well as LGBT issues and suicide awareness. Suicide awareness volunteers must be 21 or older. They should be mental health practitioners and/or have personal or close family experience with suicide.

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