"I was always pushing the limits because I hated the idea of “you can’t do it because you’re a girl.” I carried that with me into adulthood... I really didn’t want to be just somebody’s wife."
It’s Christmastime again, Charlie Brown, so we’re continuing to share stories of ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses who are celebrating the holidays for their first time.
As we mentioned last week, the Governing Body of the Jehovah’s Witnesses encourages members to forego all holiday celebrations. Christmas is blacklisted because so many of its traditions are predicated on pagan rituals.
BomberButch, who left the JWs three years ago, is a go-big-or-go-home kind of girl when it comes to her apostasy, so she cut out the middleman and delved straight into celebrating the pagan holy day of Yule.
Yule?
Yule is Christmas. It marks the birth of the sun god after he died at Samhain (Halloween). You can burn a Yule log, depending on your tradition. The exchange of gifts is common, just like Christmas. There’s a decorated tree in some traditions.
How are you celebrating it this year?>
It’s not my first year celebrating, but prior to this year I’ve been doing it quietly. I’m a lot more open now that I’m not scared that someone is going to walk in and bust me at any moment. Many of us spend Yule with our families so we combine the traditions like I’ll be doing. I don’t have a fire place, so no Yule log, but I’ve decorated the tree with my fiancée and her mom, and we’re putting wrapped presents under it and having Christmas dinner. Then I’m going to stay up all night and meditate and watch the sun rise.
What drew you to paganism?
The presence of the Goddess. When I was growing up, I sometimes visited my biological father and he’s a traditionalist and a Muslim – so strict constraints on women and social culture. I was always pushing the limits because I hated the idea of “you can’t do it because you’re a girl.” I carried that with me into adulthood, and it’s really present with the Witnesses. Women can’t give talks by themselves, go to the door by themselves, and I really didn’t want to be just somebody’s wife.
I tried Wicca for a good bit. They have more structure and coming from the JWs, I needed it. After a while, it got too constrictive for me. I branched out into paganism. Being a pagan allows me to explore paths and ways of thinking that weren’t open to me before.
For the folks at home, give us a quick run-down of paganism.
It differs widely from person to person and it all depends on what path you follow. For me, paganism is the presence of the God and the Goddess and recognizing that there are two halves to the whole. I, with many others, celebrate based on the seasons around the solstices. A lot of us try to bring back the tradition around the way those days were celebrated in history.
Doing your first pagan ritual must have been really scary, especially since your family were very strong witnesses when you began exploring outside of the organization.
So much programming. I kept telling myself for the first three years, “Jehovah would rather you be happy and die than live forever and be miserable,” and that got me through. When I got my first pentacle – I’m actually wearing that one now – I was terrified to be caught with it so I pinned it to my bra. Now I wear it openly and it’s liberating.
My first ritual was Drawing Down the Moon. Every ritual is different from person to person. Many of us write them ourselves and they change with you as you grow up and learn more. I did it through the window of my bedroom at midnight when everyone else was asleep. I was scared shitless and I could only see a bit of the full moon from where I was. But during that ritual – I didn’t believe in magick before that. That ritual cemented it. I get goosebumps thinking about. It was better than any high I’ve gotten – just divine connection.
Kind of a personal question, but you said you’re going to spend the night of Yule meditating – what are you meditating on?
It’s a time of rebirth, so probably my future and my past, and moving forward in life. It’s a time of darkness into light, so you think about your past and where you’ve been, and how that made you what you are and where you’re going to go from here.
If you would like to share your experience(s) about your first holidays after losing or changing your beliefs, you can get in touch with us here. Stay safe this holiday season.
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