Official Tapir Signal Blog

Saturday, March 24, 2018

Sexual Assault: Aftermath

“It is fucking gut-wrenching to watch someone you know and love in the aftermath of a sexual assault. You want to help them, comfort them, convince them to go to the police, beat up their attacker, and protect them. That’s understandable and normal. It’s also not helpful.”

Hey friends. Let’s chat real quick.

As many of you know, this week MormonLeaks released a recording of former Mission Training Center president Joseph Bishop confessing to sexually assaulting several women during his time presiding over the MTC (without the consent of any of these women, which is why we're not linking to it, but it can be easily found). The Mormon Church was apparently made aware of Mr. Bishop’s conduct at several times but he was reportedly never disciplined and that matters were never adequately investigated.

At the same time, authorities in several countries are in the midst of investigating claims that the Jehovah’s Witnesses neglected to report child sexual abuse to the proper authorities and even went so far as to cover up abuse cases.

We’re not going to re-hash that all here. There are plenty of news articles about both of these circumstances and you can certainly browse the numerous threads on r/exmormon and r/exjw discussing the matters.

Let’s talk about #MeToo. Let’s talk about the threads that other people made after the recording was released – threads about their own sexual assaults at the hands of authority figures, missionary companions, and even family members. Let’s talk about the threads where people witnessed or knew about sexual assaults but were pressured to keep quiet or didn’t know how to properly respond.

This a hard topic. It’s painful. We don’t like to talk about this kind of stuff. But we need to do it.

For people supporting survivors of assault

It is fucking gut-wrenching to watch someone you know and love in the aftermath of a sexual assault. You want to help them, comfort them, convince them to go to the police, beat up their attacker, and protect them. That’s understandable and normal. It’s also not helpful.

Sexual assault can be an intensely violating and deeply personal experience. As much as you want to help, this is not about you. You cannot make it about you and your desires to help. The best way you can support a survivor is to let them decide what you can do to support them. Ask them how they would like you to handle things. They may not want to discuss their experience or they may want to open up. They may want help going to the police or they may not want to report it. This is their decision. You help by respecting their wishes.

Do:

Offer to support survivors in whatever way is most comfortable for them, even if that support is to give them space. Remind them of the resources available to help them.
Emphasize that assault is not their fault. Recognize that it took a lot of courage for them to confide in you.
Make a note of their mental health status. Sexual assault can evoke a huge range of emotions and responses. If a survivor expresses their intent to commit suicide, please refer to the Suicide Awareness Series so that you know how best to respond.
Believe them. Certain, cesspit-ty parts of Reddit enjoy pushing the narrative that false rape accusations are rampant. In reality, the false accusation rate for sexual assault is on par with false accusations for every other crime. Do not express skepticism or doubt in front of a survivor.

Do not:

Victim blame. Do not suggest that if they had only dressed a certain way/stayed home/didn’t flirt/didn’t sleep around/watched their drink/said no/screamed for help that they would not have been assaulted. It’s not helpful and it only adds to the feelings of guilt and shame that survivors may be experiencing.
Push survivors to report their assault. You can suggest it gently, but reporting or not is their decision. Keep in mind that in many cases, survivors have reported that a police investigation, litigation, and trial can be just as violating and exhausting as the assault itself.
Express your desire to, or actually, harm their attacker. You help no one if you are arrested for assault and battery and in many cases can add to survivors’ trauma.

For survivors of assault:

We are so, so sorry that you experienced a sexual assault. We are here to talk with you if you need us to, or to just sit with you quietly if that’s what you want. You guide this, not us. You have the power and control here.

In the aftermath of an assault, many people have a lot of advice for what you should do, or think, or feel, or say. We’ve got some advice too: Fuck that noise. You get to decide how you would like to respond. You get to decide what you want to think or feel – and it’s okay not to know what to think or feel. You can report your assault or not as you choose. We’re here for you. We support you.

Do:

Keep in mind the many resources available to support you in the aftermath of a sexual assault. RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) has a ton of tools on their website and the national 24/7 hotline is 800-656-4673. (NOTE: outside the USA, you can call an 800 phone number for free using Skype)
Take care of yourself. Self-care is critical, especially your mental health. At some point, you might find it helpful to visit a therapist who can help you unpack your experience and find mechanisms to cope with any of guilt, fear, or shame you may be feeling. You don’t have to do it alone if you don’t want to.
Think about whether or not you want to report your assault to the police. If you do choose to report, please keep in mind that there is a limited window in which DNA evidence can be collected and that may help your case. RAINN has some guidance for reporting to law enforcement.

Don’t:

Think you are alone in this. Being assaulted can be scary and isolating, but there are kind, caring people who want to make sure that you know that you are valuable and loved. The Tapir/Sparlock Signal cannot provide legal advice or monetary assistance, but we can talk with you if you want or help you find the tools to navigate the aftermath of assault.

A Few Resources:

RAINN: www.rainn.org

National Alliance to End Sexual Assault and Violence (provides list of local resources for each U.S. State and territory): http://endsexualviolence.org/forsurvivors

National Sexual Violence Resource Center (expertise and information on resources and sexual assault statistics: www.nsvrc.org

Ending Violence Association of Canada (provides resources by province): http://endingviolencecanada.org/getting-help/

IF you need help finding more resources specific to your location, reach out to us and we will try to help you find what you need.

Usually here we let people know we are always looking for volunteers but we're going to deviate from that today. We stand in solidarity with the survivors and victims of sexual abuse and violence. Not just in word either and we will do whatever we can to help. We are not professionals, we are normal-ish people, like most of you. We lend an ear, a hand, and do what we can to help, including putting those that would like in contact with people trained to help you get through this. You're not alone.

If you are in need of help, you can reach us here.

If you are feeling suicidal, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-784-2433 (outside the US, these calls are free via Skype).

If you are LGBT+ and need to talk, please contact the LGBT National Hotline at 1-888-843-4564 or find them online here.

Know you are safe and among friends and we will do whatever we can to help.

Lastly, if you would like to be involved or volunteer, you can reach out to us here.

Sunday, March 18, 2018

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program...

“for this banal interruption.”

We'll be back next week with your regular tapiry goodness, until then, enjoy this picture (don't worry, you're seeing exactly what you're supposed to...).

DOOM!

Tapir/Sparlock Signal is always looking for volunteers in a variety of areas including housing, employment, and other practical concerns as well as LGBT issues and suicide awareness. Contact us for more details.

Sunday, March 11, 2018

They All Float

“Looking back now, I’m astounded at the stuff people told me was evil.”

This is FSM_Noodly_Luv, dodging religious projectiles.

via GIPHY

Today, she’s a Tapir Signal volunteer, quick to talk with people having a hard time. Unlike most Signal volunteers, though, she’s never been a Mormon. She just came really, really close.

FSM was raised as a Southern Baptist listening to fire and brimstone sermons every Sunday. According to her ministers and family, the Rapture was coming any day now (we’re still waiting) and reading the Harry Potter books was a sin.

Mormonism seemed like a breath of fresh air when she met some missionaries while she was away at college. The prospect of no hell to speak of was very attractive. She began to attend church and after six months of lessons, decided to get baptized.

Her then-fiancé-now-husband asked her to pump the brakes and do a little more research before she committed. FSM started Googling and found r/exmormon.

“People started sending me their horror stories. It was groundbreaking. I felt like I had been led to believe the church was something else when it was something completely different,” she said. “I was really projecting onto the church what I wanted it to be.”

Even without the influence of r/exmormon, though, FSM had begun noticing some cracks in the Mormon façade, especially after the November 2015 policy was released, banning the children of gay couples from receiving church blessings. People who had previously been kind to the LGBT members in the ward began treating those members differently.

The kicker was when one of the missionaries, upon hearing that FSM’s fiancé had expressed doubts about her baptism, asked her if she was sure marrying him was the right choice.

Not long after FSM stopped attending LDS services, she resigned her Southern Baptist membership as well, which freaked out most of her family. Given their reactions, she felt a special affinity for the posters on r/exmormon who spoke of the pain of having their families reject them for leaving their church.

“Those were the same things I had struggled with, so my heart really went out to them,” FSM said. “I wanted to be more effective at helping out.”

So, she joined the Tapir Signal.

“I work in health care and I deal with a lot of the legal aspects. I’ve been able to handle a lot of the legal questions we’ve received,” she said. She also volunteers to talk with people who are feeling suicidal.

“A few of the people I still message on a daily basis. It’s nice to see how their outlook has changed over time,” FSM said. “I reFSM wanted to join the Mormon church because I wanted a sense of community and support. I found that so much more in the Tapir Signal than in the church.”

Tapir/Sparlock Signal is always looking for volunteers in a variety of areas including housing, employment, and other practical concerns as well as LGBT issues and suicide awareness. Contact us for more details.

Sunday, March 4, 2018

Dinosaurs Went Extinct Because
They Refused To Be Friends With Spiders

“It has been a really confusing thing for me. [In high school] I realized I didn’t know what my gender was, but I knew it wasn’t what everyone else thought it was.”

The Tapir/Sparlock Signal would like to welcome our new moderator, Allos! Get to know your new mod below.

Name: Allos

Pronouns: He/him, they/them

Ex: Mormon

Shelf-breaker: The November 2015 policy preventing children of same-sex spouses from receiving church blessings. “Which goes against the 2nd Article of Faith, ‘We believe that man will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam’s transgressions.’ About seven or eight months later, I was like, I’m done.”

Interests: Dinosaurs, science, rocks, spiders

Occupation: College student, part-time rock-licker

Gender identity: “It has been a really confusing thing for me. [In high school] I realized I didn’t know what my gender was, but I knew it wasn’t what everyone else thought it was. … I was either going to die as a Mormon girl or I would continue to live albeit with a big amount of shame and being disowned (exploring feelings as a nonbinary or male person).”

Early indications this Mormonism thing wasn’t going to work out: “I began reading about evolution. The more I learned about it, the more it made sense to me. I had discussions with my grandparents about evolution and the geologic time scale. They attacked the only thing that made life worth living for me. They attacked the only thing that made sense.

“The concept of the priesthood totally failed for me as well. My father wasn’t a good example of it. He was emotionally abusive and used the church, his testimony, and the Holy Ghost to justify his abuse. He would say, ‘You will not get sick or have complications.’ And then I would get sick or have complications. When he was called as a high priest, I wondered how was he not worthy enough for his blessings to work for me, but worthy enough to get called?”

Main beefs with the LDS Church: “LGBT Mormons would talk about how when they came out to bishops, they had to rely on leadership roulette. I couldn’t see myself continuing to exist in a church where emotional reasoning was more important than facts and statistics.”

Favorite dinosaur: Allosaurus

Reasons for joining the Tapir/Sparlock Signal: “A lot of the time, I felt really alone, like there was no help for me. There’s got to be plenty of people out there like me who are struggling, who are just as scared as I was as a teenager. I can help them.”

Signal duties: “I take a lot of the smaller cases – people asking for help finding housing or needing job searches. I’ve done a lot of Googling for those as well as starting to compile resource lists for future cases.”

Best part about being on the T/SS team: “People, when they get help from us, realize there’s someone there. They’re no longer shouting into the void.”

Hopes for the future of the Signal: “I would like to see Tapir Signal become bigger and be more recognized. We’re reaching out to more people and we have a lot more volunteers with different strengths. I’d also like to see more mental health resources.”

Parting words of wisdom: “There is a life outside of the group you want to escape.”

Tapir/Sparlock Signal is always looking for volunteers in a variety of areas including housing, employment, and other practical concerns as well as LGBT issues and suicide awareness. Contact us for more details.

Saturday, February 24, 2018

♫ I Hope They Don't Kick Me Out ♫
♫ When I Don't Go On A Mission... ♫

“Don’t be intimidated. There’s so much pressure on your back telling you to go [on a mission]. Think for yourself. Don’t let other people control your life. Have a plan.”

Sometimes the easiest way to escape a bad mission experience is to just not go in the first place.

Just be prepared for the fallout, LoganPwnz warns.

At age 17, the Tapir Signal volunteer told his parents that he was not going to spend the next two years of his life proselytizing. He’d never really had a testimony despite being born into the church and being baptized. When he began researching the Mormon church on the Internet, any belief he did have was shattered.

“The bishop knew I didn’t have a testimony. He kept trying to have one-on-one interviews with me and pressuring me. It was really uncomfortable,” Loganpwnz recalled. “I really did contemplate going just to satisfy my parents. [When I refused] they were very sad and angry. My mom cried non-stop for weeks.”

And once he turned 18, LoganPwnz’s parents kicked him out.

“It was kind of unexpected,” he said. “I was going to college at the time. I had to drop out because I had to get a full-time job. I had to sleep on some friends’ couches for a month.”

Little by little, LoganPwnz began to establish himself. He moved from his home to Utah in search of better job opportunities. He got hired and found himself a place to live. In the two years that followed, though, he didn’t talk to his parents at all.

“They kind of just threw me away, is the way I see it,” he explained. “It was really satisfying to see that I had made it on my own.”

Eventually, though, after time had passed and rifts began to heal, he got back in touch – “I matured a bit and decided it would be best to get that relationship with my mother. I didn’t want to not have my mother in my life,” he said. “As long as I don’t bring up religion, everything is fine.”

Being kicked out and struggling to find his feet has made LoganPwnz sympathetic to young people in the same boat – returned missionaries, those who refuse to go on a mission, LGBT members, etc. It was what drew him to volunteer with the Tapir Signal, where he lends a non-judgmental ear and helps others plan for leaving their homes.

“That was the hardest time in my life so far. I want to make it less hard for someone else,” he said. “I love to give back. If I’d known about Tapir Signal when I was going through my issues, I would have loved to have that kind of support.”

For kids staring down a mission, unsure if they should head to the Missionary Training Center, LoganPwnz has some advice.

“Don’t be intimidated,” he says. “There’s so much pressure on your back telling you to go. Think for yourself. Don’t let other people control your life. Have a plan.”

Tapir/Sparlock Signal is always looking for volunteers in a variety of areas including housing, employment, and other practical concerns as well as LGBT issues and suicide awareness. Contact us for more details.

Saturday, February 10, 2018

A Missionary's Journey Home

"Mission rules stated that he could only focus on those good parts in his weekly emails home. He wasn’t supposed to write about his doubts, his depression, or anything else negative."

Jason grew up in Utah and hit all of his typical Mormon milestones – born in the covenant, baptized at eight, priesthood at twelve, and a mission at eighteen.

That’s where things began to fall apart.

“I was out there for seven months,” Jason said. “I’d had depression before I went on my mission. It wasn’t too bad for the first couple of months, but around month five or six, it started getting worse. Even my mission president was like, ‘Maybe you need to go home.’

“Within a week of returning,” he added, “I was back to normal.”

Jason is one of the many Mormon missionaries who return home early from their assignments. The reasons range from mental health to misconduct to deciding to walk away.

In Jason’s case, the pressure and restrictions that come with being a missionary had reached unhealthy levels.

“[The Missionary Training Center] was not great for me. The message was, ‘Don’t think about what your life used to be. You’re not that person anymore,’” he said. “On my mission, I didn’t feel like a regular person. I was so isolated. I felt so cut off from the rest of the world. The pressure to follow rules is intense. It’s almost like you’re trapped.”

Which isn’t to say there weren’t good parts. Jason appreciates that his mission made him a better public speaker and more outgoing. He met interesting people who exposed him to more of the world, an experience he enjoyed and values.

Mission rules stated that he could only focus on those good parts in his weekly emails home. He wasn’t supposed to write about his doubts, his depression, or anything else negative.

When his mission president suggested returning home, “I was really nervous at first because I didn’t know how my family was going to react,” Jason said. “Personally, I was relieved because I didn’t want to go further with my mission.”

His immediate family was supportive and welcomed Jason home, but he can tell his extended family is disappointed in him – “It made me feel like a failure,” he said.

After returning home, Jason was finally able to explore the doubts about his faith that had been growing throughout his mission. He found r/exmormon and began reading. One post stuck out – a person had recently committed suicide and one user suggested having a bot to help keep track of people in need. Jason, who has experience in programming, set to work.

The Tapir Signal was working on just such a bot as well, and Jason joined up to combine their efforts. Currently, his bot monitors usernames in r/exmormon and cross-references posts in subreddits such as r/depression and r/suicidewatch to make sure that if someone is struggling, others can know and reach out. He’s working on a second bot that scans r/exmormon for keywords that could indicate a user is feeling suicidal or needs extra support.

But there’s no bot for missionaries struggling in the field, so Jason has some advice.

“Let someone know what’s going on and the way you’re feeling,” he said. “There’s a lot of pressure to be very positive, but break a rule and talk to your mission president. Missionaries should also let their parents, and not just the mission president, know if they're struggling with depression since not all mission president are as helpful as mine was.”

And if that doesn’t work – the Tapir Signal is here for you.

Editor's Note: Here is an official version of the rules and guidelines for missionaries (warning it's a PDF).

Tapir Signal is looking for volunteers in a variety of areas including housing, employment, and other practical concerns as well as LGBT issues and suicide awareness. Suicide awareness volunteers must be 21 or older. They should be mental health practitioners and/or have personal or close family experience with suicide.

Saturday, February 3, 2018

Suicide Awareness - The Sixth of a 7-Part Series

Sorry we've been missing the last few weeks on our blog here. We've been hard at work though and trying to help anyone that reaches out to us. We also have our own website that we've been working on and we'll have more on that in the near future.

"Although a person leaving an outpatient program is not likely to be actively suicidal, make sure they don’t return to an empty house. Listen to their preferences about who, when, and how many people they want around them, and try to provide companionship."

This is the sixth of our seven part series. Please check out the previous posts if you haven't already ( Part 1, Part Two, Part III, and Part 4, Part Five). Now to the good stuff.

Professional Care, Part 3: Outpatient Programs

Outpatient programs provide therapy, consultation, training, and activities for part of each day—sort of like going to school. Below are some of the benefits patients can receive from her outpatient program:

Skilled therapy: Working closely with patients in an extended program, psychologists and psychiatrists are able to offer help that is closely tailored to patients’ needs and situations.
A clear diagnosis: Using information from the hospital psychiatrist, family members, and the patient, the outpatient staff can sort through various possibilities and reach reasonable and logical conclusions about the patient’s condition, treatment, and prognosis. Tip: Do touch base with the outpatient program social worker or case manager to ensure that information is accurately transferred from the hospital.
Appropriate changes to medication: Psychiatric medications often need adjusting or changing, and the outpatient staff has enough time with the patient that they are able to make such adjustments so that medication works well with minimal side effects.
Exercises and techniques to help in bad moments: The outpatient staff can teach patients self-help skills such as mindfulness and cognitive behavior therapy techniques that continue to help after the program ends.
The opportunity to meet and talk with others who have been through difficult experiences: Because her outpatient program lasted for two weeks, Carol made friends in and enjoyed interacting with others in the program. On the last day of the program, she and her friends got together after activities had concluded and went out to a movie together.
Structure: Coming home from the hospital to a wide-open schedule can be very intimidating. An outpatient program provides enough structure that patients are occupied productively while waiting for medication and therapy to take effect. There is less time to dwell on problems and more opportunity to actively engage in solving them.

Of course, leaving the outpatient program presents another step down in structure and can be a challenging transition. Here are a few things that may help:

Companionship: Although a person leaving an outpatient program is not likely to be actively suicidal, make sure they don’t return to an empty house. Listen to their preferences about who, when, and how many people they want around them, and try to provide companionship.
Structure: Upon her return home, Laura was able to resume work via telecommuting. This was extremely helpful in taking her mind off of her problems and beginning to restore a sense of normalcy. Friends helped as well by planning activities. Within a few weeks Laura was attending appointments with a therapist and a psychiatrist, taking guitar lessons, and going to yoga. All of these things helped her to readjust to ordinary life.
Meaningful time with loved ones: Although Laura still suffered from feelings of derealization, reuniting with family members was profoundly meaningful to her. As she expressed it, “I can feel the love in my family, and even if nothing else is real, that’s enough.”

Next week we will finish out the final part of this series on suicide awareness.

Tapir Signal is looking for volunteers in a variety of areas including housing, employment, and other practical concerns as well as LGBT issues and suicide awareness. Suicide awareness volunteers must be 21 or older. They should be mental health practitioners and/or have personal or close family experience with suicide.