Sunday, December 31, 2017

A Year in Review

"Ow, ow, ow! Why does it burn?!!!"

Happy New Years Eve, you filthy heathens. We really hope you have plans to engage in shenanigans and debauchery tonight (as much shenanigans and debauchery as you’re comfortable with, and please don’t get arrested).

It’s been quite a year for the Tapir/Sparlock Signal crew. The Sparlock/Tapir Signal mods connected dozens of volunteers with people in need and helped out quite a few people themselves. u/Hiking1950 in particular worked tirelessly to make sure that everyone who asked for help was addressed. u/Hasbrochem just annoyed the shit out of everyone (and, yes, was useful at times).

In March, u/Hiking1950 made the first post that sparked the Signal. Within hours, people swarmed to offer to help with food, money, and emotional support. Oh, how we’ve grown.

In April we formally adopted the name Tapir Signal. Originally, we did calls-to-action under the heading of “Exmormon Bat Signal” but tapirs hold more meaning for the exmormon crowd.

Reddit exmormon user u/zombie-roboto also made is this very fetching Tapir Signal to post every time we got a call for help. u/sushi-hamburger also created a TapirBotMan Signal.

In June the Official Tapir Signal Blog went live. We’ve had posts on everything from suicide awareness and prevention, to stories about ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses celebrating holidays for the first time, to stories introducing our volunteers.

In July we welcomed the exJWs, who were too cool for tapirs and put a fresh new spin on things by sending out the Sparlock Signal for their members in need. It was the beginning of a beautiful partnership.

In August we celebrated the end of summer.

In September we added our 200th volunteer to the Signal volunteer list!

In October the dead rose from their graves and we beat them back riding tapirs and wielding wands!

In November we teamed up with Lindsey Hansen Park and the charitable organization Cherish Families to send gifts to ex-FLDS families who celebrated Christmas for their first time this year.

In December we reached 325 people on our volunteer list!

Thank you everyone who has given their time, talents, money, guest rooms, vehicles, and more to help out exmormons and exJWs in need. We truly could not do this without all of you. We hope you know how much you are appreciated, because you really are.

In 2018, we hope we can grow and help even more people. Some of our processes may change as we continue to figure out the best, most efficient ways to deliver aid, but we’re still all about serving those who need help. Soon we’d like to add more volunteers for suicide awareness, so keep an eye out for that call in the coming months. We may even start tracking stats this year – who knows?

But most importantly, all of us here at Tapir/Sparlock Signal wish you and yours a happy, healthy, heathen-ly new year. May this be the year that you break the chains, your family follows you out, you find a beer you like, you drink a cup of coffee, you celebrate a birthday, and that you wake up in the morning and feel free.

If you are in need of help, you can reach us here.

If you are feeling suicidal, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-784-2433.

If you are LGBT+ and need to talk, please contact the LGBT National Hotline at 1-888-843-4564 or find them online here.

Know you are safe and among friends and we will do whatever we can to help.

Lastly, if you would like to be involved or volunteer, you can reach out to us here.

Sunday, December 24, 2017

On Christmas we wear plaid

"I get to celebrate freedom every year on January 1. And the renewal of the lease on my apartment."

If this is halfway celebrating, look out for when DW goes all in.

DW’s enjoying her first Christmas tomorrow after 31 years inside the Jehovah’s Witnesses. She’s been slowly fading away for a year, quietly celebrating her birthday, Thanksgiving, and other holidays. Christmas is going to be pretty low-key, she said.

“I don’t think I’ll ever properly celebrate,” she said. “I don’t plan on buying decorations or a tree. It strikes me as a bit of a hassle. Rebuilding my life and psyche is work enough.”

For a long time as a believer, DW was afraid that God would be angry with her for going against his wishes like celebrating holidays and birthdays – even though she wanted to.

“In my mind it was pain to be endured for a higher calling. I couldn’t risk God destroying me over a cake,” she said.

If that just broke your heart (you’re not alone), fear not – DW has left that fear behind and her first Christmas season was fabulous. She attended a Victorian-themed Christmas party (everyone wore plaid), went to a meet-up to visit a huge local Christmas tree, did a gift-exchange with some fellow ex-JWs, and will be spending Christmas day with her still-believing family (just not, y’know, calling it a Christmas celebration).

She’s not sure whether celebrating any of the holidays will become an annual tradition, but the important part for her is having the freedom to participate or not on her own terms. She told her family last New Years Eve that she was leaving the JWs, “So literally this year has been my first year as a free person,” she said. That means her first birthday, Pride Parade, Thanksgiving, and a lot of other personal milestones.

“Leaving the JWs has been more about allowing myself to participate in these social occasions where people gather to bond and share good company,” she said.

So as we stare down the barrel of Christmas, this is our holiday wish for you, from all of us Tapir/Sparlock volunteers: We hope that you too are able to gather and share good company. We hope that the new year brings you peace and freedom, just like DW. We hope that you know that we care about you and want the best for you, and that, if you need us, we’ll be here.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Saturday, December 16, 2017

Pagans Make the Best Eggnog

"I was always pushing the limits because I hated the idea of “you can’t do it because you’re a girl.” I carried that with me into adulthood... I really didn’t want to be just somebody’s wife."

It’s Christmastime again, Charlie Brown, so we’re continuing to share stories of ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses who are celebrating the holidays for their first time.

As we mentioned last week, the Governing Body of the Jehovah’s Witnesses encourages members to forego all holiday celebrations. Christmas is blacklisted because so many of its traditions are predicated on pagan rituals.

BomberButch, who left the JWs three years ago, is a go-big-or-go-home kind of girl when it comes to her apostasy, so she cut out the middleman and delved straight into celebrating the pagan holy day of Yule.

Yule?

Yule is Christmas. It marks the birth of the sun god after he died at Samhain (Halloween). You can burn a Yule log, depending on your tradition. The exchange of gifts is common, just like Christmas. There’s a decorated tree in some traditions.

How are you celebrating it this year?>

It’s not my first year celebrating, but prior to this year I’ve been doing it quietly. I’m a lot more open now that I’m not scared that someone is going to walk in and bust me at any moment. Many of us spend Yule with our families so we combine the traditions like I’ll be doing. I don’t have a fire place, so no Yule log, but I’ve decorated the tree with my fiancée and her mom, and we’re putting wrapped presents under it and having Christmas dinner. Then I’m going to stay up all night and meditate and watch the sun rise.

What drew you to paganism?

The presence of the Goddess. When I was growing up, I sometimes visited my biological father and he’s a traditionalist and a Muslim – so strict constraints on women and social culture. I was always pushing the limits because I hated the idea of “you can’t do it because you’re a girl.” I carried that with me into adulthood, and it’s really present with the Witnesses. Women can’t give talks by themselves, go to the door by themselves, and I really didn’t want to be just somebody’s wife.

I tried Wicca for a good bit. They have more structure and coming from the JWs, I needed it. After a while, it got too constrictive for me. I branched out into paganism. Being a pagan allows me to explore paths and ways of thinking that weren’t open to me before.

For the folks at home, give us a quick run-down of paganism.

It differs widely from person to person and it all depends on what path you follow. For me, paganism is the presence of the God and the Goddess and recognizing that there are two halves to the whole. I, with many others, celebrate based on the seasons around the solstices. A lot of us try to bring back the tradition around the way those days were celebrated in history.

Doing your first pagan ritual must have been really scary, especially since your family were very strong witnesses when you began exploring outside of the organization.

So much programming. I kept telling myself for the first three years, “Jehovah would rather you be happy and die than live forever and be miserable,” and that got me through. When I got my first pentacle – I’m actually wearing that one now – I was terrified to be caught with it so I pinned it to my bra. Now I wear it openly and it’s liberating.

My first ritual was Drawing Down the Moon. Every ritual is different from person to person. Many of us write them ourselves and they change with you as you grow up and learn more. I did it through the window of my bedroom at midnight when everyone else was asleep. I was scared shitless and I could only see a bit of the full moon from where I was. But during that ritual – I didn’t believe in magick before that. That ritual cemented it. I get goosebumps thinking about. It was better than any high I’ve gotten – just divine connection.

Kind of a personal question, but you said you’re going to spend the night of Yule meditating – what are you meditating on?

It’s a time of rebirth, so probably my future and my past, and moving forward in life. It’s a time of darkness into light, so you think about your past and where you’ve been, and how that made you what you are and where you’re going to go from here.

If you would like to share your experience(s) about your first holidays after losing or changing your beliefs, you can get in touch with us here. Stay safe this holiday season.

Saturday, December 9, 2017

Holidays Gifts are Cool, World Peace Would be Better

"I have warm fuzzy feelings at the prospect of Christmas that I never thought I’d have."

Alexandria’s got her Christmas plans pretty buttoned-down.

“All I want is to cook and bake and drink. That sounds like a pretty good Christmas,” she said.

And if that sounds low-key, that’s fine – this holiday season is all about baby steps, since it’s Alexandria’s first ever. She and her husband left the Jehovah’s Witnesses this summer, and they’re experiencing all of the holidays for the first time this year.

The JWs eschew all birthday and holiday celebrations. Christmas is on the blacklist because JWs believe they are supposed to commemorate Jesus’ death rather than birth, and because many traditions, like Christmas trees, Yule logs, etc., are rooted in pagan traditions. Many ex-JWs would also point out it’s because the members of the Governing Body are a bunch of Grinches, but that is not listed among the official reasons.

As a kid, Alexandria always knew that holidays weren’t allowed.

“I don’t remember there being a time when I didn’t know I was to be different. Being a JW was who you are and what you do, not a choice,” she said. “If I did feel envy of the other kids, it was usually disguised as judgement and feeling superior.”

But there was a small part of her that wanted to join in the fun.

“I think for both my husband and myself, Halloween has always been the one holiday that we really, really wanted to celebrate,” she said. “So even though we didn’t really have the intention of celebrating or decorating for the holiday, we did want to give out candy – and from there we felt like we wanted to decorate the house and we really got into it.”

(Author’s note: I’ve seen photos of the scarecrow Alexandria’s husband made. It was super-creepy. They did a great job.)

(Editor's note: reliability of Author is currently unknown. 😁)

Thanksgiving was easy and fun to celebrate, if only because she’s done it before. She attended two Friendsgivings and she’s looking forward to hosting one next year. Many JWs, Alexandria said, celebrate Thanksgiving in all but name. If turkey’s on sale, you might as well eat on a Thursday in November, after all. But for Christmas, she’s planning to step up her game.

“Lamb or pork crown. Mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, green bean casserole, pies and cookies,” she said, reeling off a menu that a Michelin chef would make Faustian bargains to cook. “I have homemade spiked eggnog that’s aging.”

She and her husband are celebrating with a friend whose wife and family are still full Witnesses, and a mutual friend who would have otherwise been alone that day. They’re probably not going to get a tree or do anything involving Santa, though.

“I’m not sure we’ll ever want a tree or Santa,” she added. “We simply don’t have the nostalgia for it, I think is part of it. But, Christmas is a holiday where even if you don’t observe, you get well-wishes, cards, and even gifts. I want to reciprocate. It’s nice to include myself, if I want to.”

Her get-together might not be a big celebration, but it’s a good way to mark her very first Christmas.

And if you want to get Alexandria a gift, please don’t start a war.

“I’m not big on expecting gifts. I just want to enjoy the holiday and get to bask in the love and attention,” she said. “World peace would be cool, though.”

If you would like to share your experience(s) about your first holidays after losing or changing your beliefs, you can contact us. Stay safe this holiday season.

Saturday, December 2, 2017

Suicide Awareness - The Fifth of a 7-Part Series

A quick reminder, we are still working with the charitable organization Cherish Families and Lindsay Hansen Park to help those who have left the FLDS group to have a merry christmas. If you can, please help and thank you to everyone who already has!

"Laura said she’d had the most meaningful conversations of her life on the [psych] ward because no one held anything back, and it was a relief to stop pretending that things were okay."

This is the fifth of our seven part series. Please check out the previous posts if you haven't already ( Part 1, Part Two, Part III, and Part 4). Now to the good stuff.

Professional Care, Part 2: Hospitalization

The process of entering a psychiatric ward is complicated and potentially problematic. Here are some tips:

Hospitalization is sometimes necessary and can be very helpful. Depressed people are able to receive medication much more quickly there, because hospitals are able to safely administer larger doses and titrate down, while psychiatrists working with patients outside the hospital must start with small amounts and slowly work up to an effective dose. Also, psych wards have teams that set up after-care (therapists, psychiatrists, and partial or outpatient programs) much more efficiently than we can.
Because certain factors increase the likelihood that someone will act on suicidal impulses, they also increase the need for hospitalization. If someone is willing to talk to you about their suicidal feelings, they want your help. Don’t be afraid to ask the key questions:

Have you ever attempted suicide?
Have you been hospitalized for depression?
Do you have a suicide plan?
If so, what is that plan?

Make sure that you understand the local laws regarding psychiatric hospitalization, particularly because some counselors may be ignorant or in an excess of caution may gloss over certain things to get the desired result. The bottom line is that it’s almost always in the patient’s best interest to enter the hospital voluntarily. This enables the person to leave within a short amount of time, should they need to do so. Even more importantly, it makes hospitalization more of a choice. That makes it easier for the patient to trust and cooperate with care providers.
If a policy seems unreasonable, ask the nurses about it. Surprisingly, some of what we had been told at the emergency room about the psych ward’s rules turned out to be inaccurate and might have worsened Laura’s situation had we acted on it. We were able to get correct information from the nurses and by searching the internet for articles about state laws. You shouldn’t have to do research at such a time, but Google is your friend. [Editor's irrelevant note: I prefer DuckDuckGo]
Insurance may cover the cost of an advocate for a hospitalized patient. Advocates work directly with the patient, the family, and caregivers to ensure that needs are met. Although we did not have time to do so, I would suggest that anyone who is hospitalized for a psychiatric condition immediately ask mental health providers to recommend an advocate. Having someone who knows the system and can focus on the needs of one patient specifically will enhance the patient’s chances of receiving excellent care.
Being in a psych ward has its ups and downs. Laura said she’d had the most meaningful conversations of her life on the ward because no one held anything back, and it was a relief to stop pretending that things were okay. She became deeply engaged with the other patients and admired the care providers so much that she began to consider becoming an occupational therapist. The hospital set her up with a diagnosis, medication, and an excellent and conveniently located outpatient program. By the time she left, although she was still anxious and depressed she was no longer suicidal.

But confinement was hard for her. She longed to be outdoors and active. The food was not good. Some of her belongings were stolen. It was hard to sleep when nurses checked on her every fifteen minutes and other patients were screaming. For these reasons, even though Laura had not fully recovered when she left the hospital it was best to accept a short-term stay there and follow up with an outpatient program.

Tapir Signal is looking for volunteers in a variety of areas including housing, employment, and other practical concerns as well as LGBT issues and suicide awareness. Suicide awareness volunteers must be 21 or older. They should be mental health practitioners and/or have personal or close family experience with suicide.

If you are in need of help, you can reach us here.

If you are feeling suicidal, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or 1-800-784-2433 (outside the US, these calls are free via Skype).

If you are LGBT+ and need to talk, please contact the LGBT National Hotline at 1-888-843-4564 or find them online here.

Know you are safe and among friends and we will do whatever we can to help.

Lastly, if you would like to be involved or volunteer, you can reach out to us here.

Saturday, November 25, 2017

Holidays and Kittens

"Never give a kitten when a board game will suffice."

For those living in the red, white and blue of America, Thanksgiving just passed and the flood gates that is the Christmas (Xmas for short, just say "Christ" every time you see an "X" and just say "NO!" to drugs, unless the doctor prescribes them for you, then you might need to think a little more carefully) season are now open. Gawdy and awesome lights, blow up nativities and snowmen, assorted candy cane, leprechaun, and flamingo lawn art dots the landscape and blinds the psyche of anyone brave enough to look directly at them without protective lenses. It's the time of year when, at least for me, some of my faith in humanity is restored. Like with most things, we all just need a simple reminder or even just an opportunity to reach out and help someone in need and the Xmas holiday season is a great reminder.

Being a great reminder, it can feel like there are lots of requests for help as there are more than a few people who need a little something to make sure they and their loved ones have a happy holidays. With that, we are asking for some help for those in our communities of the exFLDS portion. They may not show up as much in the regular online exmormon communities (yet) but they are there and like any of us who leave a religion that encompasses our entire lives, they merit our love and support.

Something interesting that I did not know is that they don't celebrate holidays, like Xmas. Those of us who left the JW organization can relate to this as JWs don't celebrate the holidays either and especially the first time something like Xmas goes by, while it can be eyeopening and amazing, it can also leave one feeling a little dismayed.

This holiday season we are partnering with the charitable organization Cherish Families (a 501(c)3, for those interested), a group of local nonprofits, and Lindsay Hansen Park, an activist, feminist, podcaster and all around bad ass, among other things, to bring community together and provide these families with positive interactions.

We have put up lists of the items being asked for girls/women, the boys/men, and toys/games. Our Sparlock/Tapir community (vocal as well as silent) is awesome and steps up every time we put out a call for help. If you can, please help to make this holiday season a little brighter for those who have stepped out into the bright beautiful world from under their former FLDS faith.

You can see the original blog post about this Xmas drive here.

Listen to more of the stories of the FLDS and those that have left, at the Year of Polygamy podcast.

The reason for the season is people. People are good and you all are awesome.

Thursday, November 23, 2017

Toys and Games

Christmas Wish List: Short Creek Fams 2017

Thanks to everyone who helped! We'll update soon on how it went.

You can sign up to donate an item using this link and there are drop off/shipping locations in SLC, Draper, Hilldale and St. George (addresses provided in the link and will also be sent to your email). The other lists of items needed are

Anything you can help with is greatly appreciated.

Toys/Games

Item	Needed
Educational Toys (9-12 Mos.)	4
Baby Toys (24 Mos.)
Picture Books (24 Mos.)
Barbie Dolls	3
Toy Trucks	1
Sci-Fi Teen Books
Girl Pillows
Boy Pillows
Wagon	1
Basketball	1
Basketball Hoop	4
Basketball Gear	4
Star Wars Aything	3
Monopoly (Original Game)	1
Legos	8
RC Car for kids >10	5
Cowboy Hat (small boy)	1
Cowboy Hat (8-10 y/o boy)	1
Art Supplies	4
Paint Kit	1
Sled or Tube	4
Anything Nintendo
T-Ball Set	1
Earbuds	4
Bluetooth Earbuds	2
Drone	2
Headphones	7
Dinosaurs	3
Lamps	3
Non-Violent/Bloody XBox 1 Games
Action Figures	1
Kitchen Toy Set	1

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Boys/Mens List

Christmas Wish List: Short Creek Fams 2017

Anything you can help with is greatly appreciated.

Boys/Men

Clothes
	Size	Needed
Pants	2T	1
	4T	3
	5	1
	5/6 Husky	1
	6	1
	6 Slim	2
	7 Slim	2
	7/8	1
	8	4
	10/12	3
	12 Slim	1
	12/14	2
	14	1
	14 Slim	1
	16 Slim	2
	18 Slim	1
	18/20	1
	32x32	3
	32x34	1
	34x30	1
Jeans	30x32	3

Long Sleeve Shirt	12 Mos.	1
Long Sleeve Button Up	2T	1
	4T	3
	5T	2
	6T	2
	7/8	3
	8/10	1
	10/12	3
	12/14	3
	14/16	1
	18/20	1
	Sm. Mens	2
	Med. Mens	2

Jackets	12	4
	14/16	3
	Med. Mens	2

Boots	2 Boys	1
	2.5 Boys	2
	11 Boys	3
	12 Boys	2

Shoes	4 Boys	1
	6 Boys	2
	13 Boys	2
	1 Mens	1
	6 Mens	2
	8 Mens	2
	9.5 Mens	2

Pajamas	8	1

Misc. Debris	Costco Gift Cards
	Walmart Gift Cards
	Home Depot Gift Cards
	Boys Blanket King	1
	Boys Bedding Queen	1
	Beanies
	School Backpack	1
	Eagles Football Merch.	1
	Tool Set (real, not toys)
	Boys Bikes	9
Boys Belt	12/14	1
Diapers Huggies	4	2
Diapers Huggies	5	1
Baby Wipes		2
Slippers	Mens Lg.	1
Black Leather Gloves	Mens Lg.	1

Girls/Womens List

Christmas Wish List: Short Creek Fams 2017

Anything you can help with is greatly appreciated.

Girls/Women

Clothes
	Size	Needed
Pants	3-6 Mos.	1
	6-12 Mos.	1
	18 Mos.	1
	24 Mos.	1
	3T	1
	5T	2
	10 Slim	1
	14	3
	2/3 Jr.	1
	8 Wom.	1
	10 Wom.	1
Jeans	29/32	1
Leggings	8/10	1
Black Tights	14	1

Long Sleeve/
Winter Shirts/
Sweaters	3-6 Mos.	1
	6-12 Mos.	1
	18 Mos.	1
	24 Mos.	1
	3T	1
	5T	2
	8/10	1
	10/12	3
	12/14	1
	Jr. Sm.	1
	Jr. Med.	1
	Wom. Sm.	1
	Wom. Med.	1
	Wom. Lg.	1

Coats	Girls 7	1

Jackets	Ladies Sm.	2
	Ladies Med.	2

Boots	Sz. 3 little girl	2
	Sz. 4 little girl	4
	Sz. 9 little girl	1
	Sz. 5 Wom.	1
	Sz. 8 Wom.	1
	Sz. 8.5 Wom.	2
	Sz. 10 Wom. (no heel)	1
	Sz. 11 Wom.	1
Black/Brown Sandals	Sz. 9 Wom. (wide)	1
Dress Shoes	Sz. 4 little girl	2

Pajamas	6/7	1
	8/10	1
	Sm. Jr.	1

Misc. Debris	Ross Gift Cards
	Walmart Gift Cards
	Gloves	1
	Scarves	4
	Winter Warm Gear	4
	Hair Stuff	6
	Makeup	7
	Girl Blanket	3
	Notebook	1
	Journal/Diary	3
	Gymnastic Lessons	1
	Teen Girl Books (Manga)	1
	Candles	3
	Candle Warmers	3
Jewelry	Rings	1
	Necklace	1
	Bracelet	6
	2 in. Curling Iron	1
	Purse	1
	Pink/Purple Body Pillow	1
	Full Length Mirror (white)	1
	Little Girl Tea Set	1
	Bouncer/Jumper Seat	1
	Girl Bikes	6
Bathroom Towel Set	Med-Light Green/Bright Color	1
Slippers	Lg. Sz. 10	1
Ice Skates	8.5	1
Bathrobe	Ladies Sm.	1

Saturday, November 18, 2017

I like to sin. Sinning's my favorite. Part II

"We are not here to change people’s beliefs, but rather to be that helping hand when they feel there is no one else out there for them."

This is continuation of Part I of Cece's story.

Getting to a stable mental place allowed me to start thinking about what I could do to help people in similar situations to me. When I first started looking at the exjw subreddit, it was difficult because seeing posts about situations similar to mine would bring up so many negative thoughts and emotions. However, as I was going through therapy and working on my issues, I could look at those posts and start offering support. I had been in the similar situations and I knew how it felt to be abandoned and hurt.

One amazing thing helped me put things in perspective. It was when everyone posted their selfies. I know it can be a controversial subject, but the selfie craze made me see these posters were real people: People who needed help, needed to laugh, needed to find their own truth, and just needed a community. The waking up and escape process has many stages, and I felt I was at a good place to help. I just didn’t know how to help. I would leave comments for people, but I knew that my skill with words and expressing my emotions was lacking. I would see things here and there about the Tapir Signal, but was discouraged that it seemed to be only for helping exmormons. I just didn’t see the exjws having something as organized as that, but I felt like maybe it could be something in the future.

In the meantime, I became an admin on the Exjw subreddit’s Discord server. It was amazing to see how many people just needed a place to come and have casual conversation about anything and everything. It hasn’t been that long, but amazing friendships have formed and it feels like I have a family again at times. Later down the road though, something came up about a Sparlock Signal specifically for exjws. Excitedly I applied, but was worried I would not be able to help as I’m not great with talking to people.

I found out quickly that there is so much more to it than just talking to people. There are so many behind-the-scenes things to do. You can help program bots and websites, gather and compile resources, be on the lookout for those in need, open up your home to those in need, offer a kind word to those who are feeling down, and be there in support of each other. Those are just a few things volunteers give of their time to accomplish.

I started helping create a map of all the volunteers and looking for those in need on the subreddits. I alert volunteers about those who need immediate help or even those who just need a kind word and encouragement. One thing that appealed to me was that it was not necessary to wake people up, but instead to help those already awake or just struggling in general. We are not here to change people’s beliefs, but rather to be that helping hand when they feel there is no one else out there for them.

We have to be realistic in expectations of ourselves. We cannot help every individual, but we do our best. I know I will have my days when I am down, but on the days where I feel I can help, I want to be there to make sure that someone has the help they need. As always, whether you are having a good day or a rough day, I’m sending you all lots of internet hugs.

Sunday, November 12, 2017

I like to sin. Sinning's my favorite. Part I

"The next couple of years would be challenging as I came to the realization that I was living in a cult and everything I had known was a lie."

Hi, I’m u/Cecelia92, and everyone usually calls me Cece. I was raised as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. My father was an elder, and my mother a pioneer. Growing up, I never celebrated holidays or birthdays. I wasn’t allowed to be friends with kids at school or participate in any school sports, activities, or clubs. Instead, my time was spent going to meetings three times a week, going out in service on the weekends, and making sure to study for all the meetings.

Once I graduated high school, I spent three years pioneering, spending at least seventy hours a month doing the preaching work. As higher education is discouraged, my options were limited after high school. I wish I could have made a decision for myself about what I wanted to study in community college, but my decision for higher education was driven by what would make good money and still allow me to pioneer. I went into the local community college’s accounting program, but I never finished as I ran out of scholarship and personal money. Eventually I had to stop attending school once I picked up a part-time job to help pay for food and housing for my family, as my parents were out of work at the time.

That was a stressful time for me. Many in the congregation told me to pray more to deal with my depression. I had few friends and I reached out to anyone I could find. This included those who I had met on the Internet. Eventually I became friends with someone who connected with me on so many levels. We started dating long distance, and after things started to get serious I knew I couldn’t keep it a secret for long.

One thing that pushed me over the edge to confess was my guilt that I was taking advantage of my parents. I remember my mother telling a friend of hers that if one of her kids was not going to follow Jehovah anymore, she would rather know sooner so then she wouldn't waste any more time on them. That stuck with me. At the same time, I was pitting the feelings in my heart against the small whispers of guilt in my head. I had a plan in place. I knew I would probably get disfellowshipped, but after we got married and were not sinning anymore, I would return. In order to get the process going, I had to confess my sin, of dating an unbeliever, to the Elders.

After confessing, I met with three Elders from the congregation. They told me it was a sin to marry someone outside of the organization. They proceeded to ask me question upon question about my history with my boyfriend. Did we commit fornication? How far did we go? What exactly did we do? Did we enjoy it? How many times? And many more intimate and embarrassing questions. After writing all of my answers down, they tried to make me doubt my relationship with my boyfriend, insinuating that because he was a worldly person, he might be doing drugs or cheating on me, and he was basically worthless.

I was sobbing the entire meeting and after I left I couldn’t cry anymore. I knew my parents wouldn’t allow me to stay at their home, so I packed up and left as soon as I could. The next couple of years would be challenging as I came to the realization that I was living in a cult and everything I had known was a lie. It all started when I came across the exjw subreddit accidentally by pressing the “random” button on reddit. I knew I probably shouldn’t look at it, but I figured I was already disfellowshipped, so what could really happen?

So I learned about JWfacts.com and JWsurvery.org. Learning all the history, facts, and current cover ups was huge for me. The biggest thing that drove me to decide to never go back was that I never ever wanted to put my future children through what I was going through. I did not want an organization telling me I needed to shun my children because they made a mistake or turned out to be “different” in their eyes.

Because I was disfellowshipped, I lost all contact with my family and friends and they would not respond to anything I sent them. I felt lonely and I struggled to stay afloat mentally. At night, I would lay awake sobbing, just missing my family. Even though good things were happening in my life including getting married, moving into a nice apartment, making friends, my husband graduating college and getting a good starting job, I still felt hurt inside that I could not heal.

It all came to a head one weekend. I wanted to die. I couldn’t take the pain anymore, and I just wanted to get revenge on my family for abandoning me. My husband was barely able to drag me out of it, but we agreed I would get professional help. Starting the process was hard, but it has been so helpful. It has led me to becoming calmer and realizing where a lot of my pain comes from. It is an ongoing process, but getting to a stable place allowed me to start looking at what I could do to start helping other people, which we will discuss next week.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

All Hail the Mighty Warrior Wizards

"People leaving the Jehovah’s Witnesses can face some truly harrowing obstacles, and often have to do so without the support of their parents, siblings, and friends. It can be a gut-wrenching experience."

On the family tree of the ex-religious, ex-Mormons and ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses are close cousins. That’s why it was so easy for the Tapir Signal to expand to include those shaking off the yoke of the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society. On the ex-JW subreddit, though, the Tapir Signal is more commonly known as the Sparlock symbol.

What’s Sparlock? Allow us to present this visual aid:

(Yes, that video is real. No, you are not wrong for feeling terribly angry about it.)

Sparlock is a warrior wizard toy in the universe of the “Be Jehovah’s Friend” video series produced by the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society. The video was released five years ago to show parents how to talk to their children about obeying the commandments of Jehovah.

On the ex-JW subreddit, Sparlock quickly became a rallying point, a symbol against everything ex-members find wrong with the Society – the stifling of creative and critical thinking, the emotional blackmail used to keep members in line, and the arbitrary rules Witnesses are required to adhere to, among other things.

And now, Sparlock is a symbol for the courageous, magical things the ex-JW community is doing to help members who are struggling.

We acknowledge that many people find comfort and joy in the Kingdom Halls across the country. However, we also know that the Jehovah’s Witnesses have severely harmed countless individuals. Leaders have covered up child sexual abuse, relying on heinous standards of proof to confirm abuse and failing to alert the proper authorities when it is uncovered. People have died because the tenets of this religion prohibit members from receiving life-saving blood transfusions. They are commanded to shun anyone who disassociates or is disfellowshipped, ripping families apart .

People leaving the Jehovah’s Witnesses can face some truly harrowing obstacles, and often have to do so without the support of their parents, siblings, and friends. It can be a gut-wrenching experience. That’s why it’s so important to have compassionate, dedicated volunteers on their side – people willing to fight for others, to defend them in times of peril, to help them see the magic in a life outside of a Kingdom Hall. In effect, they need warrior wizards.

So while we love Gandalf and Dumbledore, when we need help, we’re calling on Sparlock.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

We do more than just validate parking

"Oh God, are we going to have a bunch of stray missionaries camping in the guest bedroom?"--Random Dude

I’m u/Writergal1421, and I’m a little different than your average Tapir Signal volunteer. Round these parts, I’m what you’d call a “nevermo,” meaning I’ve never been a Mormon.

In fact, the closest I’ve ever been to the LDS church was dating a Mormon boy in high school. Religion didn’t actually factor in too much, but every now and again he’d try to read to me from Nephi and I’d tune him out and do my actual history homework. Another time I visited his ward building and saw a painting of Jesus hanging out with some Aztecs. He was all proud to be explaining his beliefs and I was staring at this painting thinking, ‘You know that’s bullshit, right?’ We dated for nine months and broke up right before his mission for reasons that had nothing to do with religion and everything to do with him being weird.

I was raised Presbyterian, also known as “Methodist-lite” and “Baptist-but-with-drinking.” For various reasons, my family stopped attending church when I was thirteen and I haven’t been a part of any religion since. I don’t remember how I stumbled on the Exmormon subreddit two years ago, but when I did, I was hooked. I love, love, love reading stories of people who triumph over self-important bishops or successfully bring a family member out of the church with them. I read through all the posts and silently cheer you all on.

I also read the posts about LDS history and think how glad I am that I never took my ex-boyfriend up on his offers to take me to church with him.

And then there are the posts where all I want to do is hug the OP. There are the posts that talk about the subtle, and not-so-subtle, sexism, racism, and homophobia in the church. The posts about an unwed mother who was pressured into giving away her child, or the posts where someone was horribly abused or sexually assaulted and the church either looked away, or worse, protected the abuser. The posts where a teenager committed suicide or a family shunned their gay son or daughter. Those posts break my heart. I don’t know what it’s like to leave the Mormon church, but I do remember the heartbreak of leaving a beloved church community. I know how it feels to be rejected and condescended to and pitied. I know the feeling of being furious about injustice, and being unable to do anything to fix a broken situation.

But if I can’t fix it, I can at least help a little. If you didn’t notice from my handle, writing is kind of my schtick, and wouldn’t you know it, the Tapir team was looking for a few good writers to help out with the blog. (“I’m going to help the exmormons!” I told my husband. “Oh God, are we going to have a bunch of stray missionaries camping in the guest bedroom?” he asked. No, honey. Relax.)

For the past few months, I’ve been talking to exmormons about what aid they need and how the Tapir Signal has helped them. I write up blog entries based on those interviews so that others can lend a hand if they’re able, or know they’re not alone if they’re struggling. I write so that the people I talk to have a voice.

I’ve been privileged to talk with some wonderful folks so far. Their stories are incredible and their resilience and determination astounds me. Talking with C about how excited they were to start college was so fun, and I loved talking with Alex about her job and her cat. Like so many others, they’ve been dealt a rough hand but they keep shining on. It was an honor to be a part of sharing their stories.

Too often it seems like the church wants its members to sit down and shut up.

Screw that. Stand up. Shout out. I’ll help tell your story.

Saturday, October 21, 2017

Suicide Awareness - The Fourth of a 7-Part Series

"Don’t spend more than a few days looking for providers—or a few hours, if the person has a suicide plan or is extremely upset. Instead, with their permission, take the suicidal person immediately to an emergency room."

Continuing our posts on suicide awareness, this is the fourth of our series. The previous first, second, and third parts are well worth the read if you haven't already. Now, on to what you're here to see...

Professional Care, Part 1: Finding Psychological/Psychiatric Care

The first phase of an existential crisis can be especially hard because of the difficulty of finding proper medical care. Here are a few tips about this:

Do get psychiatric help. This is very unlikely to be something you can resolve alone or with nonprofessional help. The suicidal person may need medication and/or hospitalization immediately, and certainly needs skilled advice.
Do ask your insurance company for a list of in-plan providers, but be careful about allowing them to choose a therapist. (The insurance company may offer this if you don’t have a primary care physician.) They are likely to choose the cheapest possible alternative, which may be someone without comprehensive training.
Sites such as Psychology Today's Find a Therapist, HelpPRO's Therapist Finder, and GoodTherapy.org's Find the Right Therapist allow you to search for care providers and to narrow your search by insurance company and location.
At certain times of the year psychologists and psychiatrists tend to be booked up or on vacation. There are also some therapists who refuse to work with suicidal people. Don’t spend more than a few days looking for providers—or a few hours, if the person has a suicide plan or is extremely upset. Instead, with their permission, take the suicidal person immediately to an emergency room. This will ensure that they will be able to talk to a professional right away and will have access to referrals. If the person is in immediate danger of harming themselves, use the words “acutely suicidal” or “having active suicidal thoughts” when you check in.
Be cautious about taking advice from friends or others who have not personally met the suicidal person. Don’t be overly perfectionistic about care providers, but do terminate relationships with therapists who are clearly not good matches. Many people may want to help, but unless they are professionals and have met and talked with the suicidal person, their advice is likely to be at best generic and at worst biased. It’s also necessary that the suicidal person trust the therapist, so while it’s not helpful to undermine the therapist, if attempts at resolving personality conflicts fail, take them seriously and find another therapist.
Family members are the constant throughout a patient’s journey through the medical care system. Touching base with therapists and new caregivers at hospitals or outpatient programs allows parents or others to ensure that key information is accurately conveyed from one person to the next, and helps the family to stay informed. As you do so, keep in mind the patient’s right to privacy and be responsive if he or she needs you to step back.

Tapir Signal is looking for volunteers in a variety of areas including housing, employment, and other practical concerns as well as LGBT issues and suicide awareness. Suicide awareness volunteers must be 21 or older. They should be mental health practitioners and/or have personal or close family experience with suicide.

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Why I am here, a volunteer's story

"I once fought a unicorn that was trying to steal my child's lunch. It was epic!"--Denise

Hi! My name is Denise, (you’ll more often see me as eowyn_), and I am a TapirSignal volunteer.

When I first heard of something called the TapirSignal, I had been out of the church less than a year. The trauma and anger were still pretty fresh. Not so fresh that I felt like I had nothing to give, though. Reading through r/exmormon, it was the young ones that hurt me the most. The LGBTQ+ teenagers and adults who wanted to give up. The straight teenagers who felt rejected. The kids and young adults who had been forced from their homes without a clue about how to adult. The young people whose families refused to be happy for their children. I couldn’t help talking to them, offering to be a listening mom for people whose actual mothers couldn’t hear them. One conversation with a woman who was moving in with her boyfriend stands out to me. Her family was furious, and so no one had asked the usual questions: How did you meet him, what do you love about him, does he make you happy, have you found an apartment yet, all that jazz. So I asked. It was wonderful to see the answers. Happiness bubbled out of them like champagne out of a freshly uncorked bottle. And there, at the end: Thank you for asking all the normal questions. And it hit me-- I could do that. I could be good at that.

That’s the awesome thing about the TapirSignal, you see. Not everyone has to do everything. We all have lives that happen offline, and outside the ex-whatever sphere. So we take what we’re suited for. Some of us work with people who have suffered significant trauma. Some of us work with people who are local to us. Some of us do the logistical work, or the tech work to try and catch as many people as possible without someone having to be watching all the time. I like to be the mom. And somehow, when you put us all together, it starts to work.

Whether or not Christ was real, I find the ideal of him compelling-- that kind of love, sacrifice, and compassion moves me. What happens every day behind the scenes at TapirSignal is one of the closest things to that ideal I have ever seen. We’re not Great People. We get impatient, and frustrated, and sometimes we’re at a loss for how to help someone (although that happens less often the more volunteers we get). This is work, and it’s often hard and heartbreaking. In spite of all that, we keep finding ways to make a real difference in people’s lives. We let people know they’re loved. We help find solutions. We mourn with those that mourn. We party with people who need to celebrate. We shine light into places that others darkened. Together, we destroy nightmares. And it’s pretty freaking awesome.

Saturday, September 30, 2017

Suicide Awareness - The Third of a 7-Part Series

"As the depression lifts, they may suddenly view previously acceptable questions or conversations as inappropriate and may be embarrassed by things they have confided to others. Try to avoid overstepping, and to allow the person a normal amount of privacy."

This is the third of a seven-part series. If you haven't already, you can find the first and second parts here.

Suicide Awareness: Practical Tips

The approaches below have actually helped various people during a suicidal crisis.

Ensuring Safety

Ask the suicidal person if they have planned or thought about how they would commit suicide, and determine whether they have the means (a weapon, pills, etc.) to follow through. If so, make every effort to take them to the emergency room. If that is not possible, remove the means from where the suicidal person is living and don’t leave them alone. Note: Extremely lethal means such as guns ***must*** be removed from the home. Locking them up is not enough.

Identifying Patterns

After his release from the hospital Tom noticed that although he was no longer suicidal he often felt extremely anxious and depressed late in the afternoon. At first he tried to nap during this time, but insomnia made that impossible. So instead, he wound up stuck in his darkest thoughts. It helped him to identify these patterns so he could plan to counteract them.

Identifying Patterns

Tom decided to go for a jog instead of lying down late in the afternoon, and this helped to mediate his anxiety. He also started going to yoga and found that he enjoyed it. For Tom, exercise alleviated anxiety; he discovered that his actions could influence his feelings.

Cognitive Behavioral Training

Carol’s therapist gave her some exercises to use at difficult moments:

To fight feelings of unreality or meaninglessness, engage with your surroundings through your senses—touch, smell, listen to, taste, and look at what’s around you.
Avoid black and white thinking and worst-case scenarios, which can feed anxiety. Some techniques to correct this type of distorted thinking include doing a cost/benefit analysis about the belief, looking for evidence of its accuracy, testing the theory, asking what you would say to a loved one who thinks that way, and rephrasing the belief in more neutral language. (These and other techniques are described in When Panic Attacks, by David Burns.)

Establishing Routines

Laura was fortunate to be admitted to a good psych ward, which provided structured activities as well as appropriate medication. But once she was released from the hospital, unstructured time made her anxious and all too aware of her disturbing thoughts. Weekend breaks from her outpatient program were especially difficult. With the help of friends and family members Laura created weekend routines involving exercising, socializing, and playing music.

Keeping Things Simple

It’s not useful to discuss complicated emotional issues during an existential crisis. Laura, who is an ex-Mormon, avoided challenging conversations about religion. Likewise, her love life had to be put on hold. She simply found emotional intimacy too stressful at that time. Simpler and less demanding relationships were easier to navigate.

Respect

During a mental illness a person may lose some inhibitions. As the depression lifts, they may suddenly view previously acceptable questions or conversations as inappropriate and may be embarrassed by things they have confided to others. Try to avoid overstepping, and to allow the person a normal amount of privacy. This will help as they begin to reclaim their ordinary life. In general, resist the impulse to advise about life decisions. Be respectful about the information that you share with friends. If you need to vent, choose a safe listener such as a therapist. Except in the most extreme circumstances, get the suicidal person’s permission before taking them to an emergency room or admitting them to a hospital.

Self Care

A suicidal person is in sheer, free-falling crisis. Unfortunately, so are that person’s loved ones. It’s terrifying to think of someone you love committing suicide. It’s horrifying to see them in that much pain. Much of the time, there is little friends and family can do but try to provide protection and emotional support as they wait for medication and therapy to take effect—yet that support is crucial. To help someone who wants to die is to sacrifice one’s own needs, time, energy, and emotional comfort in deference to theirs. The prolonged uncertainty can cause severe anxiety. Don’t complain to the suicidal person or ask them to comfort you. Deal with your own feelings constructively: exercise, keep a journal, work on a project, go outside, spend time with friends. And don’t be afraid to set some limits on what you’re able to do.

Tapir Signal is looking for volunteers in a variety of areas including housing, employment, and other practical concerns as well as LGBT issues and suicide awareness. Suicide awareness volunteers must be 21 or older. They should be mental health practitioners and/or have personal or close family experience with suicide.

Saturday, September 23, 2017

Cats, Unicorns, and German Chocolate

"He found out I liked cats, so he started sending me kitty pictures. I haven’t told him how many times those pictures and check-ins once or twice a week saved me." --Alex

Depression doesn’t care that you just graduated from college and landed your dream job, or that you escaped a controlling religion and are finally free. It doesn’t give a damn that you have people and pets you love and care about. It makes you feel empty, day after day. Depression isn’t sadness. It makes you unable to feel anything at all, really.

Alex has been dealing with it for most of her life.

“I call it ‘going numb’ – it’s like you are encased in a shell that is keeping those emotions out. You learn to fake them and paint pretty pictures on the outside of that shell, but the inside is the same disturbing silence,” she said.

Alex is 22 years old and holds a Bachelor’s degree from BYU. She’s an assistant genealogist working for on online genealogy service, her dream job. She owns an adorable cat and likes reading, writing, and music.

Three months ago, she posted to r/exmormon asking for help. Her depression was becoming overwhelming and she was contemplating suicide.

Finding the truth

Alex’s mother converted to the LDS church when Alex was five years old. She was baptized at age eight and hit all of her Mormon milestones, like serving in leadership roles in Young Women’s and attending BYU. During her senior year of college, though, Alex began to question her faith. She was working on the Nauvoo Polygamist Project at the time, an undertaking that researched Mormonism’s early pioneers – including the men and women involved in polygamous or polyandrous marriages. Alex had known about the LDS history of polygamy, but the polyandry was new and troubling. On top of that, she was horrified by the prejudice, racism, sexism, and homophobia she found at BYU.

Until then, Alex had avoided the exmormon subreddit, fearing it was “anti-Mormon.” But with all of her questions, she waded into the threads, looking for hard facts and truth about her religion. She found both, and decided to resign her membership after she graduated.

Reaching out

Faking a good Mormon life while she was still at BYU only strengthened Alex’s depression. After she resigned, the cold silence of her Mormon friends and neighbors, who were suddenly “too busy” to talk to her, didn’t help. Though she was free, the damage had been done, and she spiraled into planning her suicide. After she posted about it on the exmormon subreddit, volunteers sent up a Tapir Signal asking people to reach out to Alex.

“I was guided through what to do – what to expect. I was told that everything would be okay and to rely on the community. So I did, tentatively at first,” Alex said. “People reached out to me: Hiking1950, hasbrochem, a girl called _Emma_stoned_, and T_the_Initial. T was a big help for me. He found out I liked cats, so he started sending me kitty pictures. I haven’t told him how many times those pictures and check-ins once or twice a week saved me.”

He and his wife even took Alex out for dinner one night when she was struggling, reminding her that life is worth living.

Everything’s not magically better and her depression hasn’t disappeared, but Alex is finding good days mixed in with the bad ones. She was initially embarrassed that a Tapir Signal had been sent up just for her, but the more she’s worked with Signal volunteers, the more she’s come to appreciate them, she said.

“The volunteers showed me a love I hadn’t felt in a long time, even within the church: the love of non-judgmental support.”

She knows how difficult finding that can be, especially at BYU. If you’re enrolled and struggling, she said, “Leave if you can, but if you must stay, find an outlet, a healthy one. And remember that you aren’t alone.”

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Suicide Awareness - The Second of a 7-Part Series

"Acceptance doesn’t suggest that you endorse or encourage suicide as a solution. Rather, unconditional acceptance communicates that you hear and understand the other person’s feelings at this moment."

This is the second post of a seven-part series. If you haven't already, you can find the first part here.

Helping a Suicidal Person

My goal for this post is to begin a list of the things that have actually helped various people during a suicidal crisis.

Acceptance

Beyond reflective listening and accounting for basic safety, how can one navigate a relationship with a suicidal person and offer help without doing damage? It may seem counter-intuitive, but much of this amounts to acceptance. There are many ways to express unconditional acceptance of a suicidal person.

First, accept the suicidal person as they are now. What does that mean?

Accept rather than debate their desire to die.
Accept rather than debate the fact that death actually would eliminate pain.

Acceptance doesn’t suggest that you endorse or encourage suicide as a solution. Rather, unconditional acceptance communicates that you hear and understand the other person’s feelings at this moment.

Certain normal but unconstructive reactions can convey the opposite of acceptance:

Interrupting can break a depressed person’s train of thought when they are already having trouble focusing—and it may seem to dismiss their feelings.
Contradicting a suicidal person doesn’t help, even when they express self-destructive feelings. Avoid these reactions:

“Suicide is not an option!”
“But you’ve always been so happy!
“I just know you won’t do that.”

Such remarks can seem to minimize disturbing feelings. Instead, reflect such feelings back:

Don’t dismiss expressions of emotion. Empathizing can be hard, because most of us haven’t experienced truly suicidal feelings. The extremes of despair are unfamiliar and may even seem exaggerated.
Avoid “tough love.” In this situation, it can be dangerous.
Don’t assume that someone who expresses suicidal feelings is just trying to get attention.
No matter how shocking or dramatic or inaccurate such expressions are, don’t judge or overreact. Try not to provoke guilt and shame, which may be just beneath the surface. Guilt-tripping a suicidal person could make them feel even worse about their life.
Instead, let the person say terrible things, if necessary. By telling you the worst of what they feel, they are reaching out for help.

Finally, although it can be very difficult, tell the truth. Depression narrows and distorts a person’s view of life. Carol, who had some psychotic symptoms, asked family members over and over, “Are you real?” “Is this situation real?” “Am I crazy? Be honest.” She was directly asking for help, and she was willing to trust others’ perceptions when she wasn’t sure. In that situation, a reality check was helpful. While avoiding words like “crazy, answer these and other questions simply, clearly, and honestly rather than “humoring” the depressed person by saying what you think they want to hear. Telling the truth builds trust and clarity, two things that suicidal people desperately need.

The love of our neighbor in all its fullness simply means being able to say to him: “What are you going through?” --Simone Weil

Sunday, September 3, 2017

Suicide Awareness - The First of a 7-Part Series

"Don't preach or attempt to educate. The reality of suicidal feelings will dwarf and distract from your efforts."

What Do You Say to Someone Who Wants to Die?

Some time ago a relative of mine—I’ll call her Laura—went through an existential crisis after taking a hallucinogen. Although Laura did not “go crazy,” she began to believe that everything and everyone around her was unreal and therefore meaningless. She thought about this constantly for weeks and couldn’t get it out of her mind. It was such an agonizing thought that it made her—an ordinarily happy, upbeat, and energetic person—suicidal. She mostly stopped eating and sleeping and lost almost twenty pounds in the space of a few weeks. She was in a psych ward for several days and followed that with an outpatient program. Then, slowly, she recovered.

In this first of several suicide awareness posts, I’ll try to offer a very basic response to the question in the title. r/TapirSignal and /r/SparlockSignal provide a comprehensive guide to understanding suicide in their sidebars, and /r/suicidewatch also has many resources. For a basic and inexpensive one-hour tutorial on how to talk to a suicidal person, you can also see www.qprinstitute.com/individual-training. My posts won’t attempt to replicate those efforts but rather will be a hit-and-miss personal reflection about what helped and did not help my relative Laura and my friends Carol and Tom, all of who experienced suicidal crises. I’ll share in this entry some aspects of communication and support that have been helpful to us. By far the best guide for us and probably for anyone else, however, is what we can learn from listening to and accepting the suicidal person and responding to what they tell us about their own experience.

Listening vs Fixing

When a loved one’s life is at stake, we urgently want to solve the problem. But helping a suicidal person isn’t a quick fix; it demands more of a “listen, don’t fix” approach. Since people experience depression differently, the best guide for those who want to help is the suicidal person him or herself.

Do...

Listen and empathize. Simply acknowledging difficulty affirms a suicidal person’s experience, builds trust, and encourages them to open up further
Ask directly whether the person has been thinking about suicide, and if so, whether they have a suicide plan. If the answer to either of these questions is yes, seek professional help immediately. Do not phrase the question as a negative (“You haven’t been considering suicide, have you?”) Instead, ask straightforwardly whether they have been thinking of suicide. For most suicidal people, it’s a relief to hear that question.
Be available
Check in at the times when someone is likely to be most distressed
Express love

Don't...

Preach or attempt to educate. The reality of suicidal feelings will dwarf and distract from your efforts
Contradict what the person says. A suicidal person’s beliefs may be highly inaccurate; depression can distort a person’s perceptions until they become entirely subjective, and objective “reality checks” may seem to invalidate their experience. While a therapist may be able to help with cognitive behavioral therapy, most of us probably can’t reason a very depressed person out of their irrational thoughts, and we don’t have to. All we have to do is acknowledge and respect them.
Put them down, accuse them of faking, or tell them to “snap out of it.”
Offer advice, unless the suicidal person specifically asks for it.

"Understanding"

When you’re around a person who is suicidal you may want them to feel that you understand, that you’re not overreacting or being insensitive, that you “get it.” That’s only human, but it’s misguided. Your job is not to prove that you understand. Your job is to listen, to empathize, and to offer whatever kind of support the suicidal person can use. Even if that means backing off once they are out of danger.

People who are suicidal are experiencing feelings and perceptions that fortunately are unusual. Most of us can’t fully understand and will never be able to. Even if you’ve been suicidal yourself, to say that you understand may be perceived as denying the uniqueness of the other person’s experience. It’s much better to ask how the other person feels, or to express empathy (“That must be hard”) than to assume you understand. Simone Weil expressed this beautifully:

The love of our neighbor in all its fullness simply means being able to say to him: “What are you going through?”